why do i stay online?
I publish posts in a pretty high cadence. Still, there have been times when I've been getting a bit sick of it and when I struggled with caring about posting anything online because just being present was enough. In these phases, I pretty solidly conclude the internet is for lonely and unhappy people and most of my posts are of no use and only exist because I am stuck in my head overthinking and imagining scenarios and conversations that don't even exist. That view has its merits, but it is also a pretty unforgiving conclusion.
It's easy to always declare the other mood something superficial and unreal. In very social and busy phases, I might think blogging is just done because of too much free time, and in turn while blogging, I might conclude not blogging when my calendar is more full with social obligations means I'm just distracted from important emotions and thoughts I should listen to and that I'm foregoing a passion for entertainment. I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle.
It's part of me swinging back and forth about how involved I want to be in the world, and especially the internet.
At times, I don't wanna engage with news, discourse, opinions, what-if's, future predictions, video essays, self-presentation online. I want everything to pass me by as I focus on me and my immediate surroundings and what brings me joy offline. I relish in being disconnected, hyperlocal, and shielded away, having removed access to me. In these moments, I am proud of not needing the vast majority of the internet, of feeling untethered, de-influenced, mood unmanipulated, unworried about what is said or not said online; being offline, gatekeeping myself, leaving things exclusively for a verbal real life discussion with no trace of it later on. Things happening without a picture of it. Keeping things to myself, in my head, a little observation or joke between me and myself. Feeling like I should remove half of the blog. It's in my more tech-pessimist phases.
But after a while of this, I always seem to reemerge with new energy - and a more positive view. I remember again that within limits, I can make the internet how I need it to be and that I can always return to my own bubble offline if needed.
During these times, I seek connection and knowledge and I'm okay with bending and twisting the internet to fit that task. It's when I see what's out there, reevaluate, get inspired and become committed to use this opportunity to learn and take advantage of accessible great writing. I enjoy fantasizing, analyzing, estimating, arguing. In that mood, I am more willing to put myself out there, to embody what I think the internet should be like, and to share freely despite everything. It's when the little blurb in my 'what is this space?' applies the most:
"This is existential courage in action, and what resistance to the digital coup looks like."
It doesn't mean I am free from the doubts or awareness of the risks, or like I don't get up some mornings wanting to delete it all. But overall, I am happy to be here. I see the potential, I see the little details that make it worth it, and it's not a black-and-white thing; I will give of myself as much as I want in each phase.
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