(sick of) screen-only intimacy
Seeing people online being their vulnerable selves feels freeing. Feels like the old net without the performances and influencing and âtrying to blow upâ and getting brand deals, without the self-censorship out of fear of millions seeing it and harassing you or using your vulnerabilities against you. Refreshing! I never want people to stop sharing their authentic selves.
But I find myself a little tired of that side now too, maybe temporarily; after a year, it became normal, my average internet use. There are many intimate online diaries you can read in your RSS feed, after all.
On second thought, maybe itâs just the delivery that fails me now? I suddenly feel like I shouldnât know or read these things about you unless I know you in real life - not in the sense that you shouldnât share online, but that it feels mismatched on my end.
I wanna meet in a cafĂ© and hear it from you. I wanna sit in the grass and look at you while you say it. I wanna be able to hug you when I see you, I wanna grab your hand in a tough moment youâre telling me about. The tone of your voice, your facial expressions. I wanna know the context of your life because I witness things outside of what you share on your blog, too.
Without it all, the vulnerability is there, but it feels incomplete to me now without the connection. What am I supposed to do with it, so disembodied, floating around without a dedicated person in my life that itâs anchored to? Itâs like there is a mismatch of intimacy in information vs. everything else that I am suddenly strongly aware of while I read.
I wonder what Iâll make of this feeling. In any way, itâs good to witness you all.
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