winners and losers
A thing I wrote quite a while ago inspired by some internet cultures and online habits I remember from my past times online that I find awful.
âThe story always goes like this: If another person is hurt, itâs their fault for getting offended, not yours for being mean. They probably deserved it anyway. If they were on your side, they would roll over and accept any criticism thrown their way, no matter how cruel, because someone on the right side would have no problem being called out, repenting and sacrificing and earning strangersâ trust and having to answer a million impossible questions proving their allegiance. To you, being hurt and offended is a sign of secretly being with the enemy.
Everything is a dog whistle. Everything needs to be hyperanalyzed because it secretly proves the other person is with the enemy. There is no redemption, no grace. Only the perfect performance counts. Youâre entitled to a specific reply, and they better do it timely despite time zones, work, education, family and other obligations.
Youâll make it so no apology is good enough and the silence is interpreted as admission. Youâll drag it out in front of thousands, you rally supporters, you farm engagement with it. You see yourself as the big truth sayer, the defender of the weak, making up for your privilege; and youâll hide behind your frequent highlighting of minority issues and admissions of power to avoid acknowledging your biggest power: Popular person, influencer, high-follower-count-haver, platform owner, what ever. This power imbalance is what makes people afraid of you.
But they canât even show that, because to be afraid is to admit you could become a target, and youâll of course only worry about becoming a target if youâre secretly with the enemy, so damn you, stop being afraid or own up to the fact that youâre with the bad guys. Everything gets minimized - oh youâre afraid? Think of the other pitiable suffering group of people that has it worse. Youâre just a baby!
In your eyes, people donât deserve to be educated and corrected in private - all under the guise of transparency, building trust and holding people accountable. Learning in public. Weâre all better off this way, right, open error culture and all. Youâll stand up for minorities getting bullied off of platforms, but fail to see how you push people off of platforms. Youâll always find reasons to justify it though - if they disagreed with a minor point, itâs twisted into meaning theyâre in direct support of people dying (or even responsible for it).
Unfortunately, itâs not enough to apologize after, or to make New Yearsâ Resolutions to be less angry, or to tell your followers not to harass - once you put it out there, itâs out of your control. And you know this. Youâre not new here.
You know exactly how to wield the internet, and you know how it looks like when it gets out of control. Youâve seen it countless times before with the people you try to protect. But youâve become addicted to how it feels to bring âjusticeâ, to win, to shut someone else up and get the support of others for it publicly. Youâre trapped in the chemical cocktail of the actual real life political stakes getting astronomically higher and the online validation for taking drastic measures.
If these spats happen more and more often, and youâre always at the center of some drama, what does that mean? What does that say about you? Are you really a hero standing up for whatâs right, or are you a bully? Are you really looking to educate, or are you looking to teach a public lesson for your own gain? Are you using other peopleâs missteps to position yourself as better?
Do you still extend grace? Do you ask for clarification before assuming, or are you infallible? Have you fallen for a wide variety of heuristics and paranoia which makes asking if they really mean what you understood feel unnecessary to you? Do you think you can know someone deeply almost instantly - all their wishes, thoughts, alignments and true desires? What if youâre wrong? Do you have a plan for how to make up for someone you have deeply misunderstood and mischaracterized on a public forum? That you have slandered and dragged across the dirt for everyone to see, over nothing? Over things that arenât true?
Do you highlight things you disagree with not to have a discussion, but to perform for others? Does all the engagement bring more followers, more subs? Is your nervous system constantly on fire feeling the need to correct everyone on everything, even the most milquetoast âwe should all get alongâ?
While you have thick skin, others might not. You have practice in arguing all day, and they donât. While you see a public discussion between adults, theyâre up as one against you and your 15 reply guys and thousands or even millions of followers. Do you sometimes think about the fact that not every naĂŻvetĂŠ, not every ignorance, not every missing education is out of malice, privilege or an active choice, but instead the result of the very systemic failures youâre trying to call out and fight?
Why do you do this? Do you recognize your past self in them, the one you are ashamed of, that was so flawed and ignorant? Has content moderation or the algorithm ruined your image of humanity? Do you still act the same and feel the same when you log off for a few weeks? Oh, excuse me. How thoughtless of me to mention - itâs a privilege to be able to log off, and you as the peopleâs valiant online knight have to stay extremely online to suffer with them to make up for your privilege. Itâs totally not an online addiction.
Suffering is the key. Enduring mean-spirited attacks, bad faith interpretations, harassment and fear in the name of progress is the currency, because we âhave to make people uncomfortableâ for a just cause. We all need to inexplicably suffer together and make each other miserable and feed distrust among each other because activism can never be easy, or nice, or forgiving. There always have to be winners and losers. There has to be trauma and regret, tears and pleas, deletions. Itâs the sacrifice expected of you to show youâll do what it takes. Itâs nothing compared to what the oppressed groups deal with after all, so get a grip.
If that is the friend group, type of follower, player base, community you foster, which is a community where no misstep is forgiven or moved on from⌠then theyâre gonna be like that to you, too. Inevitably, you will missstep in a great way and become the target instead. The risk of making mistakes like that is higher when you are so used to always instantly have the better opinion and the right view on something that you donât stop to think anymore; all while doing this on platforms that reward posting before thinking and values negative engagement above all. Youâre one of the good ones, youâre a good person, and that means your values and morals and opinions are just, so what could go wrong, huh? People could avoid your wrath if they just listened to you and became as good as you!
If you think you are too educated, on the right side, too self-aware for a mistake to happen to you - think again. Every person that is truly self-reflecting and honest about their shortcomings will be open about the fact that theyâll mess up. Itâs not a matter of âifâ, itâs a matter of âwhenâ.
May everyone extend the type of grace to you that you arenât ready to give others.â
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Published 02 Jul, 2025