how i deal with “fuck it, why bother” thoughts
I was inspired to write this thanks to an email exchange with Artemis. :)
I sometimes reach my limit with my lifestyle and consumer choices. Maybe I’m down, exhausted, hopeless, depressed, drained. I look around me and in that moment, I might feel like no one else gives a fuck, everything’s useless, what I’m doing or not doing doesn’t matter. Even if it isn’t so, in those moments it feels that way. I wanna go “fuck it, you only live once, who cares” and give up on my values and act against them, instead doing what everyone else does because it’s easier, possibly cheaper, more comfortable and you’re part of the in-group.
Who can blame me or anyone else that thinks that way sometimes? I surely didn’t give up doing certain things because I hated them! I liked the taste of meat, I loved eggs and cheese, I like cute clothes, I can see the comfort and advantages of a car (especially an SUV) and I understand that flying a plane is awesome. I can see how social media and being in the Google ecosystem has some benefits. Huge houses with sprawling gardens look amazing. I never looked at these things and thought “I hate good taste, ease of access, material gratification and comfort”, no one does.
Of course living the way I do wears me down sometimes. I’m home or going 9 hours by train while others fly or drive, I say no to the company barbecue while everyone else has fun, other people still get to ride horses and I don’t, others have cool pets and I don’t. I keep my mostly boring functional wardrobe while others order from Shein every other week. I won’t be in the WhatsApp groupchat and maybe some people will never reach out to me because I don’t have socials. I make sure to be privacy-conscious while everyone around me still compromises me with their spy machines. Feels like others can afford to turn their brain off and engage in (negatively) hedonistic, destructive and exploitative shit for fun and short-lived entertainment while the planet burns and I hesitate to. “What the fuck, the world is unfair” I whine, “haven’t I suffered enough with my illnesses and all? Shouldn’t I live it up before I die, taking advantage of everything as much as possible until it’s too late and things are depleted, right on our breaking point?”
I would have the perfect excuses. Oh I can’t go by foot/bike/bus/tram, I have to drive the SUV due to my spine fusing and resulting back pain! Oh I can’t change my diet, I have Crohn’s disease and what if eating beans causes a flareup? Oh I have food allergies, etc etc. Why don’t I? When I die, no one thanks me for doing all that, right? When the planet inevitably burns, my reduced number of CO2 and pollution contribution (lol) won’t matter as Taylor Swift buys a property on Mars to escape the consequences of her jetting, and no animal will say thanks. So what gives?
I wrote in “we owe each other”:
Imagine if everyone around you thought they don’t owe you anything - trash everywhere, no one messages you back, no one checks on you, you never exchange small gifts, you don’t cook each other soup when sick, you don’t congratulate each other on wins and milestones, no one cares about your funeral. Everyone cuts you off, almost runs you over, closes the elevator in front of you, slams doors in your face. It would be a miserable existence.
And it applies here too. It would be miserable to give in to the worst of humanity and do what everyone else is doing. Even if it’s hard. There’s this perfect post by 1995, where they say:
“caring about things and people and matters and the world is like living life in ultra prestige difficulty. in contrast, not caring about things is so easy. […] that's why most people choose to just not care. because caring means thinking. caring means having to face weird, uncomfortable thoughts like, "maybe my parents, whom i love and like, aren't totally right about everything. maybe they're wrong. maybe they're even bad people." or shit like, "maybe my favorite author/actor/artist, who is really good at their craft, is a bad person and has bad moral standpoints."”
Do any good things come easily? Weren’t the good things in history hard? Didn’t change need discomfort and resistance? Weren’t other notable personalities going against the grain or were ahead of their time? So when I struggle, I remember what and who I do this for and what it takes, I remember how privileged I am that I even get to do it. I know there are people who can’t (money, illness, location, repression, education, access, willpower, peer pressure etc.). Being a nuisance, burden, killjoy or whatever is simply a part of pointing out systemic injustice and harm and resisting to participate. Missing out isn’t necessarily bad - at least it’s not on you then.
The best option for me during difficult times is talking to the people that share my values, especially my soon-to-be-wife. She holds me accountable, she reminds me there are others like us, and that the easy way often isn’t worth it. There is no prize in complacency, and after a momentary feeling of freedom and belonging to the masses, I would then feel guilty or unhappy about acting in ways that don’t align with my values. For 5 minutes of taste, I’d have to live 24/7 with the knowledge that I let myself down, and in my case also let my fiancée down. For a short dopamine hit, I’d give up what I stand for and what I tell others, and look like a hypocrite and liar.
In the grand scheme of things, not getting that shirt that only lasts 1 year or those chicken wings, deleting socials or limiting travel is such a small price to pay when you remember what the consequence is, where it comes from, what it normalizes and promotes and whose pockets it’s lining. The mob isn’t always right and you can forge your own path.
I can have a happy life without resorting to the common, consumerist lifestyle. Actually, it requires that I live in line with my values, otherwise I can’t happily live with myself. If I catch myself engaging in too much shit I don’t support, I’d have to become numb and engage in cognitive dissonance to make it through the day like so many have to, and I don’t want that for myself. In the end, I don’t need anyone to thank me and I don’t rely on a specific outcome to prove to myself that it was worth it - deep down outside of hopeless moments, it’s enough for me that I did my part for the world I want to see, even if it never happens. At least I can be proud of myself that I was able to make it the way I did and that I had the integrity to even do it in the first place.
So the way I deal with it is: Talk to others, eat because situations are always depressing on a hungry stomach, sleep it off, remember who and what you’re doing this for, and remember how it fits into you living a happy and fulfilled life.
In the end, you have to live with it, and in retrospect years down the line, it will always feel stupid to have compromised your values for this little gadget or that little crush or this little job, just to fit in or to impress. Those matter very little, it matters if you were actually happy with your life and proud of your deeds and stood for what you believe in, not complying and numbing yourself.
Everyone who knows me closely knows I am a big Dragon Age fan, so I'll close it with a quote from this 6-hour lore analysis I love:
"What makes a character heroic is so often their integrity, their compassion and their bravery. Fighting orcs or skeletons or whatever is just the metaphor through which we typically explore these traits in a fantasy universe. The fantasy of it, the narrative objective, is to get to follow along with someone as they actively try to be a better person and to better the world around them. [...] The idea that people should shut up, conform, and allow themselves to wither so that the selfish can prosper is typically seen in fantasy as a villain's perspective."
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Published 04 Mar, 2025