when selfcare isn’t enough
In my teens, I suffered from depression, and in my early twenties, I was diagnosed with (C)PTSD. I don’t usually mention it because I consider them dealt with; to me, they aren’t active or hindering me. When something creeps up, I know how to spot it early and deal with it, and I can avert it. I had therapy and medication (Opipramol, Celexa) for a while back then and haven’t needed the meds for almost a decade now and therapy stopped years ago as well. Of course PTSD isn’t really “cured”, it affects how I think and react forever within reason, but I don’t feel negatively affected by it on a day-to-day basis. I can have slightly bad days here and there, but I never have to think about it anymore, I can just live without the fear of triggers.
Still, a lot of why I can deal with it so well is the result of putting in the work in the past (therapy, meds, moving away, stable job), a bit of luck, and what I do now to keep it up. I keep my space clean and clutter-free, I exercise, I journal, I make time to be in nature, I don’t take things that could shake it all up (alcohol, hard drugs, contraceptives), I make time to rest, I push myself to socialize, I listen to myself, I’m not reliant on caffeine, I don’t doomscroll or fight on social media, and a lot more things. I have my fiancée, which also really helps. Without these things, I would be much more affected and fragile.
But for the past three weeks or so, something broke again in my brain, and I haven’t been able to fix it with my usual coping strategies. I really tried, but it only got worse and worse. I dealt with extreme anxiety basically all day in a way I never experienced before, with intense heart palpitations for hours. I felt so wired but also drained, so scared, I just wanted to float out of my body. It was unbearable. Constant feelings of doom, wanting to cry and hyperventilate, or run away.
I couldn’t and still cannot explain why - there’s nothing acutely stressful in my life, no trigger event. Work has been busier, but reasonable. My exam phase ended last Friday and I’m happy with how it went. Most of the wedding planning is done. Everything is good in my home and relationship. I have time for hobbies and rest. It just feels like something has been misfiring in my brain and it keeps going in a never-ending loop and nothing I’ve tried helped. It only got worse and worse and even made my Crohn’s symptoms come back because the stress of it all makes my ulcer come back.
Yesterday in the office it was so bad that it was impossible to work for a while, so I immediately made an appointment with my GP to get help. I just had that appointment and I’m going to try bromazepam now. Never have needed to be on benzos before… hopefully that will break the loop and let me return to normal after a while.
Anyway, that’s my life right now. I might take longer to reply to emails than usual.
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Published 18 Mar, 2025