28.08.2025 - stream of consciousness
I’m in a weird mood. Somehow a little sick with a cold, but not really, waiting in this limbo of “will this get worse or just stay a weird head cold feeling?”, and waiting for an overdue period and already having some symptoms, an upset gut, and also a mental crash because of how busy the last few weeks were. And a messed up sleep schedule (depending on your view). All in the last week of the time off from work before I return, so not much giving my days any structure right now.
I gave myself some rest days because of the increased activity and consistent gym especially last week, and feeling like I’m coming down with a cold. My body feels off not utilizing all that energy. I feel weirdly fatigued, but more mentally than physically, while my legs feel buzzing with energy and my chest is heavy and my head is sluggish.
Depression hates a moving target, but I feel like I haven’t moved in ages; so much sleeping, so much desk work, hours of video essays watched. My brain feels like soup wrapped in cotton. I’m unsure of what to do when I think I can neither do much physically nor mentally.
Well, I did 1h slowly on the walking pad and 20mins on the bike and 20 mins of yoga on one of those rest days, and I went on a 40 min walk today, but still. I weirdly feel like I have been in a cocoon for weeks, being lazy, when it has just been 3 days. I wasn’t actually aware of that until I just checked, because time feels so unreal right now and the days bleed into each other. They feel slow, but also short as I wake up much later than usual and hang around in bed for longer.
I feel a little cabin fever. Exhausted of all the events I attended and the socializing I did recently, but at the same time crashing from the harsh transition into just being at home again doing mostly nothing.
Maybe that is an understatement. I blogged, I wrote into my notebook, I resized and cropped pictures, I took the text I wrote and turned it into a zine, and today I even finally continued working on my last uni final for this semester that I need to hand in soon. But most of the time, I watched video essays about online drama, as silly as it is. Maybe that’s okay for the third day after my really eventful weeks ended. Sometimes you just need to get lost in very low-stakes stuff that is none of your business and doesn’t matter while you pass the time.
Whenever I don’t have to work, I naturally slowly shift towards getting up late, feeling very productive and energized past 6pm, and sooner or later having my best time focusing from 10pm to 4am. Has always been that way. I feel a little worse mentally that way, but I also sleep better, my skin is better and I am less hungry.
But living like that is not sustainable for the jobs I want, as well as socializing or opening times of anything, so I force myself into getting up at 5-6am usually and going to bed between 10-11pm. Makes my skin worse, makes me hungrier, decreases my sleep quality and falling asleep takes a lot longer as I am just not naturally tired at that time no matter what, but I manage. It still makes me feel like I have more of the day and I can start work earlier and leave earlier.
I hope I can bounce back tomorrow; get up earlier, get out more, do a little grocery run, exercise and have more mental clarity for my uni work. When I worked on it today, I felt like I was writing like a toddler and I had to reread everything so many times. Felt like I could barely hold on to the thoughts I had, and constantly forgot what I wanted to write. Every word felt like I had to squeeze it out of an almost-empty tube.
I crave accomplishment; filling my day with plans, passing time with proper activities, pushing myself and eating better. Less screens and videos. Less time in bed after waking up. Better memory.
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Published 27 Aug, 2025