small thoughts III: health edition
In āsmall thoughtsā posts, Iām posting a collection of short thoughts and opinions that donāt warrant their own post.
Never make a decision or an observation about what you want or who you are while sick. When I am in a bad flare up of my disease, I am willing to give it all up, give away all my agency and ambition. I am willing to settle for where I am right now, opting to keep my current job forever, making peace with never going out and never meeting new people again. I start to feel stupid for ever thinking I could finish my degree next to a fulltime job and Iām ready to drop out. I think very small and cannot imagine better for myself. Iām ready to submit, to get tamed, to stop being so stubborn about living on my own, like a wounded animal seeking out humans near their houses to get taken care of at all costs. I start to think that being grateful for what I have means sticking to it forever because itās not going to get any better for a lost cause like me. I justify it by saying I just honor my boundaries and accept my illness.
But then I get better. And work is easy and I wanna move on to more challenges. I finish the uni assignment on time. I am my own person again and act how I want, not how the illness demands I act. I have the energy for gym and people again, the energy to assert a more independent life. The life I envisioned would be āenoughā looks bleak. And I am grateful for everything, but I know I can do better, and I want to make things happen.
You really canāt āgood personā and āself careā yourself out of chronic illness and death. Itās like when you study so hard and still get a bad grade, or youāre super qualified and still didnāt get a job. Of course itās better to take care of yourself and prevents some things, but in the end, illness isnāt moralistic. It isnāt befalling the evil and slothful and greedy only.
I see it with aging and skin - people exclaiming āThatās how you age when you have a clean conscience.ā Clear skin because they arenāt a bigot. It gives you a feeling of control you donāt even actually have over your health and appearance, it ascribes moral failings to people who visibly age or are visibly ill, visibly disabled and diverging from beauty standards, people with acne and more.
This view usually results in something of a purge (stop eating this or that, abstain from this activity, cut ties, get rid of all this stuff), something akin to ritualistic prayer (use a finger length of sunscreen, and take these 6 supplements every day, do these 3 stretching poses every day, wash your hair twice, brush it a 100 times) and something of a rebirth (only come back onto the scene, online or offline, if you have completed the cycle enough and cleansed yourself).
You will never escape aging, an onset of a permanent illness, or death, even with little rituals centered around the prevention that give influencers and companies a lot of money.
Published 22 Oct, 2024, edited 7Ā months, 2Ā weeks ago