i cut all my hair off
So, I finally did it. I talked about it already in this post about my hair troubles and finally went through with it and cut all my hair off.
I did it because my illness/medication related hair loss just didn't stop for months now and I didn't like any of it. The hair on all my clothes, on the floor, in the bed, the shower and sink drains. I never had especially voluminous hair; I was on the lower average of the amount, and it was fine hair. But with now less than half left and no signs of slowing down, it was shitty to style, was constantly stringy even when it wasn't greasy, and had no volume at all. The edges of where my face met my hair were really thinning as well; thankfully no bald spots. I like having very long hair, but not when it is so little.
I also thought about the regrowth (which you can see, but it is small baby hair still, obviously) and how ridiculous that would be in the long run. I think you can wait out a little hair loss just fine, I did sometimes due to stress or illness before; but how was this gonna look like a year later, almost 3/4 of my hair growing out new on top and the 1/4 is almost down to my butt? No. And you can only wear headbands or beanies so much. I don't wanna be a less severe, feminine equivalent of the balding guy who is desperately combing over 3 hairs over his giant bald spot.
With no idea how bad it will still gonna get, I wanted to get ahead of it and stop it before it gets weird. And it was on my bucket list to do at least once in my life, anyway. I did it for useful reasons only, not thinking it would suit me… expected it to look shitty, but I actually like it!! Very unexpected because I love being very feminine with long hair.
I also see it as a sort of.. clean slate, new beginning, starting to feel better because my meds seem to be working. Also a way to make myself place less importance on having to fulfill certain beauty standards to be loved. Yes, there is pretty privilege and there are advantages if you follow gender roles and the "correct" gender presentation. I get rewarded for being very feminine, attractive, with long hair. I can't deny that or change that; but I sometimes feel so obligated to make sure I look good to be lovable, and it's unhealthy. I need to learn I am lovable and the people in my life won't turn away from me over something like this. It's not a natural law that women need to have long hair, we just decided that. I'm a lesbian anyway, and had an undercut 10 years prior.
A podcast I like, soju with sarah, talked about feeling overwhelmed in your 20s. One part of it was about being scared to let go of things - of feelings, places, jobs, people, possessions, styles, obligations, plans, dreams, goals, etc. but that we should, because we need to prioritize and we also need to create space for good things to come along. And I think the same applies here. Yes it's scary to let go of hair, especially such a length; it will surely take me at least 5 years. But it regrows. After a year, it should already be at an acceptable length again, and what are one or two years in a lifetime? With my thinning hair, I looked in the mirror and always felt negative about it, and wore it up so much to not be reminded and not shed hair everywhere all the time. I can't change the loss, I can just let go of it completely, of the negativity around it, the expectations of others, of gendered expectations especially. I don't need permission, I don't need to impress anyone, I don't need anyone's favours... and then there is space for even regrowth of beautiful, healthy hair.
Song: False Perspectives by Dounia
Published 27 Oct, 2024, edited 6 months, 2 weeks ago