self-sabotage
In my life, I’ve witnessed a lot of people self-sabotage.
Wanting to pass school and crying, but also refusing to study.
Not doing the homework, then getting caught copying when someone gives them their work and not even trying to change the wording.
Having a spot, but not going to therapy.
Not setting alarms and rather dealing with the fallout.
Needing a job, but not checking the application email enough times and missing out on opportunities.
Being immunocompromised, but never wearing a mask.
Willingly taking medicine in an unsafe and ineffective way despite being corrected and knowing the consequences.
Not opening letters.
Not applying to jobs they want and are qualified for.
Being able to, being told to, but not setting reminders on their phone or putting the date in their calendar and therefore messing up the date.
Being sick or in pain, but refusing to rest.
Not going to the doctor.
Continue doing the things that make their illness worse.
Not reading the assignment fully and thoroughly.
Not planning ahead with parking and accommodation.
Not asking for things they want or need.
Overspending knowingly.
Not following the recommendations of networking and/or building a portfolio during studies.
Driving good people away on purpose.
The list goes on and on.
For some reason, I care very deeply about self-sabotage in others. I actually had to work on myself to care less, to stop injecting myself into other people’s situation and get upset about it. I think it is still something I can get a bit upset about, but I won’t feel really helpless and intense about it anymore. I had to learn to trust others to make the best decision for themselves and also let them make mistakes so they can learn. I also learned that at some point, if you do everything for someone that’s struggling, you’re not teaching or truly helping them; you’re enabling their learned helplessness. It’s also just making yourself miserable, because you won’t think of them as a full, responsible human being, but someone incapable that needs to be micromanaged, and that causes resentment on both sides.
Back when I was still feeling so intensely, there was basically nothing I wouldn’t do. I would summarize things for people, I would do their research for them, I would lend out my things, I would buy them things, I would send them helpful links, give them my homework, let them cheat in exams, remind them constantly of things and call them on the phone so they’d get up on time, prepare checklists for them, and more. I was genuinely having a lot of mental load about this, and sometimes having trouble sleeping because I was thinking about other people’s problems.
And sure, on its own the ways I helped are fine here and there, but it’s not okay if it happens all the time, unasked. It’s not inspiring the person to change, but leaving them as they are or even making them worse. Some people have to feel regret and sadness about something to change, and that only happens if you stop rescuing them and let them feel the consequences. So I stopped doing that.
I think I have this strong reaction to it because I deal with uncertainty and fear with being hyperorganized and doing everything I can. I’ll research intensely, I’ll check everything, write all the emails I can, study as much as possible, I read tasks over and over again. I search out doctors, make appointments, come prepared with notes and documents. I re-read my responses a couple times, ask people online for advice, read all the threads, and more depending on the situation. I try to follow a sensible route, everything that’s suggested or common sense for the best result… but I also go a tiny bit over the top for a feeling of safety. That got me out of a lot of bad situations, opened new doors, reassured me and even when things didn’t work out, I knew I had tried everything in my power.
I always had to be very independent and do things by myself. I had to rescue myself, so I’m someone that plans and makes lists and goals and knows exactly what needs to be done and what steps to take to get there. I can be very disciplined with that - saying no to things, cutting myself off from people, reducing screen time, making time to learn and prepare. I don’t like to leave things to fate, until last minute, or some imagined future date where I’m supposed to suddenly have the time and motivation. I’m really not relaxed about it. I do care about optimizing, about making sure I do things that have the most impact.
I can’t really relate to people who are chill about everything - that will “see” when they “get there”, who don’t read half of the things. You ask them about when xyz in their life is starting and they don’t know, you ask them about specifics of the thing they applied for and they don’t know, you ask them about what they plan on doing with their degree and they never even thought about it… it’s like some people are just a background character in their own life, refusing to take charge.
I’m just not that way and when I really care about people, that makes me a bit mad inside. I want the people I love to be safe and treat themselves well; treat themselves like they know they’re worth it and deserve a proper shot at things. I don’t want to lose anyone to a stupid mistake, and I also don’t wanna comfort people over something people told them you over and over would happen and what exactly needs to change.
I think I am a “do-er” in this regard. I wasn’t really afforded the opportunity to coast by in life like some of my peers had - I needed help, so I got myself together and fought for everything. Researched therapists and got spot, researched jobs, researched traineeships and trade school and degrees in detail. Self-taught myself a lot things. I knew I had to get out of my childhood home and that there would be no room to go back to and no unconditional, healthy help or financial aid from parents if anything failed; at least none that wouldn’t be held against me. I couldn’t just study my passion while disregarding how unemployable that is, or that it would take 3-6 years before I could be earning enough to get out. When others do that, they can usually bank on getting bailed out or crashing for a while at their parents’ house, is what I mean.
When I see others only half-ass, be reckless and careless, self-sabotage and not do their due diligence, that’s the perspective I come from and it’s one based on love but also on mostly fear. After all, being able to afford failure is a privilege. It’s like how you need a certain kind of privilege to be able to not work while pursuing a degree, or disposable money to try building up a startup that will most likely fail.
I think life is too short to not at least try, and we now have so many tools and so much knowledge on our hands that we can use.
Published 07 Dec, 2024