message to a friend / self-reflection
A few days ago, I wrote a reply to an email by my friend Cris, keeping each other updated about our lives after a few months of not hearing from another. Writing it really helped me realize some good changes and upcoming things to look forward to. A part of it that stuck out to me and that I felt like keeping here for posterity was this:
[translated from German to English for the post]
"I am getting much more involved in volunteer work this year than last year, and I generally say “yes” to things more often. This is also happening because I actively want to encourage myself to be more curious and to give things more of a chance. As a result, I’ve also taken on additional roles at work, had a job interview (it wasn’t a fit, but it was still great), and I’m attending workshops and conferences.
I’m sort of trying to collect more “nos” as a challenge, but because I ask about more things and get involved, I end up getting more “yeses.” That’s nice too."
It can be easy to talk yourself out of things. This is too hard, this costs money, this takes too much energy, this doesn't look productive enough to other people, this is for people smarter than me, I am not good enough for this, no one will care, everyone will think this is cringe... the list goes on. But you actually grow when you just try things and aren't afraid to feel out of place or embarrassed.
I feel much more unapologetic about where I am in life right now, and that I don't know certain things yet, or haven't yet tried this or that, or am not finished with certain things I am working on (like my degree). I am allowed to make mistakes despite trying my best. You can no longer shame me about these things.
I also enjoy the processes more, rather than just yearning for the reward, or the moment at which I can say "I have done that". I'm way more open to guidance, asking for help, seeking mentors, and for the first time, feel properly connected to hear about events and workshops that interest me and can sign up for. I am letting go of the mindset that I have to do it all on my own, and hide it until I am perfect. I keep learning that being hyper-independent, perfectionistic and afraid of feedback and performing in front of people hasn't served me well anymore and that I want and need to transcend beyond that. And I'm doing a good job at that.
Looking back on the last 10 years, I think I have always changed for the better, but right now, it feels like a more calm, refined way that I actually control and nurture; less about the standards of others, and more about who I wanna be. Focusing more on what is actually in my power and trying to make the most of things. The "I can just do things" era of me. It really helps with cultivating trust in myself, because I actually follow through with things and do not break my own promises or block my own blessings any longer.
I have so many cool things planned the coming months; we'll see how it goes.
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