second job
Recently, I’ve been feeling behind in a lot of things, and this year has progressed so fast while also feeling dreadfully long inbetween when I was waiting for appointments or for medicines to work. I am especially frustrated on the days when I am just lying in bed unable to go outside, go to the gym, work on my uni degree or tackle some chores. I look on as things pile up. The plans and to-do’s for “once I feel better” pile up. Then it hits me: It might feel lazy and unproductive as hell to just be in bed, but I’m just clocked in on my second job.
It’s genuinely like being at work and either dreadfully thinking about the dishes you’ll still need to do afterwards, or longingly thinking of what game you could play if you were off the clock right now. It takes up so much of my time, energy, and mind.
I do this second job while clocked in at my main job, too. I still work well despite my second job demanding almost all my brain power because stuff hurts, I worry, and there is brain fog and memory issues. Recently, I clocked out in the middle of my main job to dedicate more time to this second job because it’s infusion time; then I went back to my actual work 3 hours later, making the best of it all as if my body isn’t currently processing foreign antibodies from mice myeloma cells for the first time.
It’s hard not to think of this second job as just stealing from me. But it’s not just the illness itself, it’s also about coping and self care, to protect myself and keep myself as healthy as possible. It’s about rest days so I can give 100% on other days, it’s about tracking symptoms to bring up the next appointment, it’s being considerate and smart in what I eat and when, it’s about making and attending appointments and picking stuff up from the pharmacy.
I sometimes get mad at my lack of progress in my university goals, work goals, fitness and hobby goals. But then I try to think about if I would be surprised if someone working 80+ hours a week didn’t manage them, and of course I wouldn’t be.
So if I feel like I am wasting another day, I’ll just think “I’m on my second job”. I can’t just leave my main job if I wanna keep earning money, and I can’t leave my second job if I wanna get healthier, and it looks like I’m hired for life, anyway.
Published 05 Sep, 2024, edited 1Â week, 4Â days ago