(sick of) screen-only intimacy
Seeing people online being their vulnerable selves feels freeing. Feels like the old net without the performances and influencing and “trying to blow up” and getting brand deals, without the self-censorship out of fear of millions seeing it and harassing you or using your vulnerabilities against you. Refreshing! I never want people to stop sharing their authentic selves.
But I find myself a little tired of that side now too, maybe temporarily; after a year, it became normal, my average internet use. There are many intimate online diaries you can read in your RSS feed, after all.
On second thought, maybe it’s just the delivery that fails me now? I suddenly feel like I shouldn’t know or read these things about you unless I know you in real life - not in the sense that you shouldn’t share online, but that it feels mismatched on my end.
I wanna meet in a café and hear it from you. I wanna sit in the grass and look at you while you say it. I wanna be able to hug you when I see you, I wanna grab your hand in a tough moment you’re telling me about. The tone of your voice, your facial expressions. I wanna know the context of your life because I witness things outside of what you share on your blog, too.
Without it all, the vulnerability is there, but it feels incomplete to me now without the connection. What am I supposed to do with it, so disembodied, floating around without a dedicated person in my life that it’s anchored to? It’s like there is a mismatch of intimacy in information vs. everything else that I am suddenly strongly aware of while I read.
I wonder what I’ll make of this feeling. In any way, it’s good to witness you all.
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Published 10 May, 2025