power underneath despair
Content warning: This post deals with death and suicide.
I read Robert Birming’s post about the IndieWeb Carnival topic Power Underneath Despair. That prompted me to read some of the entries listed there and it’s been very raw and real. People talk about how they overcame the feeling of hopelessness and suicide.
So far, it’s been mostly people who have overcome that a while ago. I’ve been thinking about if I should add to the conversation as someone in the middle of it. I was always very conscious to keep most depressing things away from this blog and post some unrelated things in between my health related posts to not be too much of a downer, and especially not to worry people who know me in real life (hi).
When I had felt suicidal as a teen, I usually overcame it by recognizing that specific things driving me to it would pass - my living situation and contact to people, mostly. There was the big possibility of moving out one day and graduating, and since it was unknown territory, I could paint this scenario in my head however grand I wanted. Dreaming about the hobbies I would have, the friends I would invite, how my space would be furnished. If that didn’t help, I’d pettily resort to revenge fantasies.
Later on, especially during the pandemic, I definitely relied heavily on my dog being dependent on me. I didn’t wanna give him up or let him down. So I persisted.
This year has been the roughest of my life, I think. I was invigorated with a new will to live after I bled out heavily due to a complication of my Crohn’s disease and had to call an ambulance. I had lost so much blood that I only saw white, stopped being able to hear and my heart was racing while they drove me to the hospital and I briefly lost consciousness. After an awful time in the hospital where I couldn’t really eat and had a blood transfusion, I was grateful for each day.
But after setback after setback in my chronic illness and medication waiting times, I lost hope and the will to live. There was basically not a single day the last few months when I didn’t think of suicide. I was in pain almost constantly, weak, unable to do things I love or much at all of anything, and couldn’t enjoy food. The good days or weeks were rare and the hope of remission was repeatedly taken from me. This time, I couldn’t really focus on the circumstances passing, because while ideally I would reach remission one day, the disease itself is forever. I felt like a burden and bad partner because I relied so heavily on her. Thankfully she always reassured me I was no burden and supported me intensely.
There was a time I became so sick from a medication that I almost completely gave up. That was a little over a month ago. I had no feelings anymore, no appetite, no thirst and was constantly having headaches, nausea and pain all over my body. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and refuse food or drink until it was over. I felt like an animal that just laid down somewhere ready to die.
I don’t know what it was, but I guess one part of me didn’t wanna give up, so I risked it and stopped the medication… and improved again. I now have my appetite back, I am almost never nauseous and I have much less headaches.
I’m still waiting for another medication to work and meanwhile am in a lot of pain. There’s a potential other diagnosis looming on the horizon. I’ve been having a ton of suicidal thoughts especially at the beginning of this month. But I’ve been wanting to propose to my girlfriend for months now, and internally I felt like I had two choices: either die, or propose. I cannot do both. If I propose, suicide has to be off the table no matter what.
Well, we got engaged yesterday because I made that choice. So I guess, my power underneath despair is my now fiancée and the beautiful life we are going to build. We are looking to move closer to friends and family next year or so and move in together there, and it’s a lot to look forward to.
Published 23 Sep, 2024, edited 7Â months, 2Â weeks ago