bad parents know / being the villain
This is for the ones with abusive parents.
Bad, abusive parents know a lot more about it than you’d think. We all know the saying
“The axe forgets what the tree remembers.”
And I’m sure for some stuff, that is true. But I’ve seen when they act clueless while knowing what what happened. Sometimes, the mask slips. Things they claim never happened and that they can’t remember are suddenly mentally present.
I remember a time when all the yelling and abuse over math homework allegedly never happened. That our neighbors informing my teacher and my teacher ringing our doorbell to come in after another screaming match, and finding me crying, never happened.
But at a restaurant dinner in adulthood, suddenly the she says
“I ruined math for you back then. I messed that up.”
Funny how that happens. The amnesia is selectively lifting sometimes, I guess.
Then you cut them off and decide to end the relationship for good. They notice. Messages like
“I hope you are safe. Did something happen?”
“Please reach out, it’s urgent.”
It’s supposed to make you respond in case something bad happened to them or another one.
Then they try and catch you in front of your home. That’s when they reveal they know exactly what’s going on. They don’t really think something happened to you. If they did, or at least of they cared to put on an act, they’d say:
“Oh hey!! Thank god you are alright! I wasn’t able to reach you, I wanted to make sure you’re good and if maybe yours or my phone are broken?”
But instead they act like everything is fine, as if this is just randomly happening, like they were just randomly outside your place, running into you.
“Hey, how are you?”
With a demeanor and face as if nothing is wrong. You then say you don’t wanna talk. The mood shifts.
“Yeah I have noticed! But why?”
There’s not even any visible concern for your feelings, no discernible feeling of guilt, apology or shock that they apparently did something that was the final straw. Others would be aghast, apologetic, shocked. But here, there’s only offense and an attempt to regain control. How dare you cut me off, how dare you enforce boundaries, how dare you not tell me why or give me an option to argue - that’s what’s being communicated.
There’s no genuine attempt to be sorry, to understand, to hear you out. No “I respect your decision, but understand I will always love you and if you decide you want contact again, just reach out. You’re always welcome and you will always be my daughter.” Just attempts to rope you into conversation, stall for time, get in your head, argue and try to invalidate your feelings about certain events.
Then suddenly it’s all your fault. The relationship is bad because you aren’t giving anything, you don’t put enough effort in, you don’t want to be close.
And you know what? That’s partially right. This is what happens when your child doesn’t feel comfortable around you, can’t feel like letting their guard down, feels harshly judged and shamed by you, and is scared of you.
I used to be a very cuddly child. I loved my mother. Then she turned into a monster. Without the words to describe what happened and without knowing anyone else going through the same, even as a kid as young as 6, I likened it to something or someone “possessing” my mother. It felt like over night, someone else replaced my mum that looked like her, and it never got better. Later on when I was older, my dad revealed he noticed it too and begged her to get psychological help, but she refused.
Even she remarked on my change in behavior. I remember her being mad about me no longer wanting to cuddle with her when I was a kid. I remember her angrily asking
“Why are you so scared of me?! I never did anything to you!!”
every now and then growing up, and I either lacked the words to say why, or I was too scared to say it, or I said the reasons weren’t believed or respected. I was just gaslit. This never happened, this is wrong, this is just normal, you are overreacting, you’re too sensitive, this isn’t fair… I heard it all. So why explain to someone why you’re scared when that happens? All you have left is greyrocking them.
They always love to make it seem like it’s all in your head, you chose this, this is your fault. As if a child would choose to be scared, choose to cry, chooses to dream of being adopted into another family, chooses to dream of running away, hopes it was switched up in the hospital and would find its true family one day.
As if the same child, but as an adult, would choose to be diagnosed with ©PTSD for it, change their first name because the original one is too traumatic, and is still scared when they hear keys turn in a lock and someone arriving home.
Yeah sure, I was just born defective, born to hate my parents somehow! Nevermind that I wanted to reconcile so bad, gave endless chances, ignored my own needs and wants and tried to just “accept who they are” and preferred to endlessly question if I am the problem.
I went to years of therapy! Everyone I talked to, mental health professional or not, were shocked of how I grew up and said it’s not normal! And why would I lie? Because it’s so cool to pretend your parents are trash? Sure. I just live for the pity, apparently?
Yes, at some point, I changed and created distance. But I still said yes to every request to see me. I always responded to messages. I gave gifts. I reached out to ask how it’s going. I agreed to spend some festivities together. I stayed in contact and agreed to meet more just to make her more comfortable and to do my part as a daughter.
I don’t wanna be a bad daughter. I didn’t wanna give up yet. It could get better, right? Maybe she ages out of it, maybe we can find ways to make it work. I do want a family, and it’s hard to cut off the only family you still have.
Further in the final conversation, the diversions start. Was this only because (insert very harmless interaction that would make you look insane if you were truly mad about that)? No, of course not. They know the relationship was bad for most of your life. They know you’re not seriously cutting them off because they cancelled on you when they were sick. It’s all searching for reasons that are not their fault and easy to make you look bad.
They also remember those years, and they can reference some of the bullshit they did in rare occurrences (see above) or they can at least suddenly lament all these years where the relationship was bad because of you.
They just choose to switch multiple times in the same convo between pretending they believe everything was actually fine and this is out of nowhere, and knowing everything’s bad but it’s yours to fix instead of moving on. Anything but taking accountability or acceptance.
Sometimes they can’t even look you in the eye during all of this. It’s like even they are afraid it’ll all just spill out, all the rot they try to ignore.
I think deep down they know they fucked up, but thought you forgot or would just continue to bear it. Them acknowledging it out loud first would make it real, would be unbearable, I assume. We’re just all expected to dance around it.
You giving up and choosing no longer to keep contact is bringing it all into the open, in a way. You don’t need to actually recount specific situations or times, or summarize all those years. Simply choosing to abandon them, doing the unthinkable for a child, is enough. Even they know realistically it can’t all be you. They have to have done something bad bad. That means it’s all real, it all happened, and it has an effect. It can, for a brief moment, no longer be denied. They lose control over it, and are faced to reckon with it at least in the situation.
Of course they’ll run to other people for validation. Leave out info, make you look insane, moody, unreliable, and “always having been difficult”. Maybe they’re proudly telling people that if you’d ever reach out again, they’d just ignore you. You went too far, now you can never go back, etc.
As if you’d ever reach back out.
It’s funny that their fantasy isn’t about you reaching out again and making up and being a happy family, but about hurting you back, and holding it against you, and it being their turn to refuse contact now. It’s never about love, it’s just about revenge. It’s about who gets to leave first. It’s less about having a good relationship, and more about not being seen as a bad parent by others.
She has always hated when she lost control over the narrative. Wanting to sway me into cancelling therapy, screaming at me that I make her look bad, that all I speak about is just bullshit, and wanting to know exactly what I said in the sessions.
I planned to cut her off when I moved out. That was 8 years ago.
All this time, I wanted to make it work. We had better times that gave me hope. I was scared of having no family anymore, and I felt guilty and sad imagining my mother no longer having her child. I was scared of the harassment and abuse it could cause. I couldn’t go through with it, I always delayed it. I empathized more with her than myself, and put her needs over mine. I tried to mold myself into something she could accept and could always feel her disappointment. I had to keep my own wedding from her so she wouldn’t show up or guilt me into inviting her.
Each meeting felt like we were two strangers on a theatre stage, acting out our roles, with zero chemistry or acting skills. It all left me drained and shamed. Ashamed, too, when she told me really bad things, like the fact that she is yet again being the affair of a married man.
But it’s over now. I can finally move on. I know I tried. I gave it enough time and chances. Now I have to be comfortable being the villain, the bad daughter, being badmouthed, and being shamed by people who have a great relationship with their parents because
“You can’t do that to your parents!”
Too bad they were never there to step in and say
“You can’t do that to your child!”
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