note - 22.08.2025 18:36
CW: Childhood sexual abuse.
I watched a video on YouTube about a survivor of childhood SA giving an interview about it. I found it very enlightening, painful, tragic and very graphic, but in a necessary way. I am very thankful to the person who shared their experience so openly, being so vulnerable in front of thousands of people at least. I’m not linking to it directly and not using their names here for reasons that will make sense as you go along.
There were aspects that, the longer I had finished watching, were bothering me about it and I couldn’t let it go. I wondered if I should write about it at all, because I don’t want to be seen as trying to police a victim and control how they talk about their own abuse. It’s their choice to do so and how, not mine. Still, I felt like talking about an aspect of the interview that I think could have been done better, and that I hope the person who participated in it may rethink and incorporate in the future.
The survivor giving the interview has a brother who is trans. She gives the disclaimer in the beginning that she will use the deadname and she/her pronouns until the transition happens, and then switch to he/him and the actual name.
After finishing the video, I wonder why it was necessary to do that. What would have changed in the story if she had just referred to the name and pronouns he uses now? Or at least, use “sibling” and “they”? Listening to what was shared, I didn’t get the impression that gender mattered in the childhood SA at all. I guess later on, when he outs himself as a lesbian, and then later on as trans, it comes up, but that is only relevant to the story if you believe that your sibling experiencing childhood SA was the reason he is attracted to women and transitioned. Which I don’t necessarily wanna comment on deeply, since it is not my place as a cis person, but implying that trans men are only transitioning because of SA is… controversial, to say the least, if not very disrespectful and transphobic.
Throughout this story, it becomes clear that her brother is in denial about having experienced the childhood SA, and is very hurt by the possibility. There are fights, screaming, insults, and distancing. They don’t seem to have a good relationship at all, which as a viewer I had hoped for, because I had wished that she would be sharing all this about her brother with his consent. Because honestly, that’s big - sharing someone else’s rape next to your own experiences, and then also outing them and deadnaming them.
I had expected that this was at least talked about and given permission to, and I was sad to find out that it wasn’t. He wasn’t explicitly saying no, but his actions of ignoring her messages about it and the freakouts paint a clear image. Now thousands of people can search for the full name of her brother (because she shared the full name of herself and almost everyone involved, including her brother) and they’ll know he is trans, know his deadname, and know that he was raped as a child, while he himself has not even come to terms with that or accepted that. I have searched his name and luckily for her, he is very openly writing about being trans, but still. I think at the very least, the deadnaming, misgendering and sharing of trauma on behalf of your brother is not okay without consent.
That honestly must be traumatizing for him. The survivor puts so much emphasis on the fact that victims of SA need to remember and process on their own time, but then doesn’t give her brother that. It is justified with the fact that his rape is part of her story, so she deserves to tell it. Which, I guess? But I would have honestly wished that at the very least, she would not name her sibling then, keep it vague, and not mention the transition. It did nothing for her part of the story to drag all these details out for thousands of strangers to see. Like yes, a lot of this was your story to tell, but what about his?
It irks me. I’m sorry, I really admired a lot about this and it moved me and it’s important and a good interview overall, but this aspect makes my stomach drop. Imagine your sister, who you’re estranged from and are ignoring the messages of, is going on to give an interview telling everyone about the rape you are repressing. No, it’s not okay, I’m sorry. I have survived rape too, and it’s not okay to share that on behalf of the victim to promote a book and a Substack, even if you are a victim too.
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Published 22 Aug, 2025