you have more pull than you realize
When I deleted my socials quite a few years ago, of course I worried. Are people still going to message or respond to me? How, over which platform? Are some of them really going to use SMS or Signal or E-Mail to do that? Can I win in comparison to the convenience these platforms offer? Reaching critical mass is something so important for alternative platforms. No one wants to use them when their people aren't there, but no one wants to be the one of the first ones either.
It is a lot easier to shout things out in public where all your friends and family can see at once. You still shared, they all know, without having to have the same talk 5-10 times with different people. And even if you wanted to - they're right there, ready to be DM'd.
But at that point of my life, I also found it a very poor model for communication. When I post in public, I can't know who has seen it (if they don't 'like' it, and interactions with posts were pretty much dead around where I live). When I meet them or talk to them 1 on 1, do I assume they know? By saying "I posted that, did you see?" do I shame them for not checking or knowing? Do I sound like I'm trying to show off or gain likes? Do I inadvertently pose this service as a need? Since scrolling through the timeline is so fleeting, they might have briefly seen it and immediately forgotten, so now I might have to catch them up again. All in all, doesn't sound so convenient beneath the surface to me.
What would most likely happen though is that we wouldn't even talk. We all passively knew about what we wanted to share on the timeline, so there were no reasons to talk privately. It made me sad. It was like each of us were buying billboards on a street we all walked through to talk to each other. That's not communication. And what about the things you don't want to share publicly? What if the same Facebook post needs to be suitable for grandma but also your friends and potential future employers? What if their stuff on TikTok has this distinct, viral-friendly persona of your friend? Your "communication" with someone over social media feeds becomes this restricted, self-censored thing. Do you ever still get to know the things they would never share in public? They can't even tell you the whole thing because you don't have reason to talk directly anymore.
I figured it wouldn't be a loss to leave with that in mind. At least now, I could ask them what's up in their life directly without them expecting me to have seen things or just pointing me to it. We had reasons to talk again.
I also observed that you have much greater pull than you might realize. People one by one popped up in Signal after I left WhatsApp. And yes, I left all kinds of groups, too, even relating to the classes I had back then. I was also the reason people dusted off their neglected Signal accounts that already existed. It kept accumulating; the more arrived, the more dusted off, the more action was happening there and the more people felt okay enough to switch or at least entertain it on the side.
This experience made me realize my fears in the beginning were valid, but turned out to be unfounded. Of course, the people who care about me and want to talk to me would do that. If they didn't, would they really care? Would you refuse to talk to someone over not being on the same app if they really meant something to you and you cared about keeping in contact? Of course you wouldn't. Your love and care transcends tech.
I think the social media feeds can give you a sense of being very social with a lot of friends without there actually being a foundation for a friendship - if you aren't on there anymore, then loose acquaintances (who might feel like friends) won't notice or care to follow you elsewhere or contact you through other means. That means you have already lost them, but the feed is covering up and delaying the realization of that loss. I wouldn't sell my sanity and my data and my values for people who don't care about me, so why would you? Generations have survived without being Facebook friends with a kid from elementary school you haven't talked to for 20 years.
When people want you in their life, tech is no hindrance. And more people want you in their life than you might realize. You're modeling an alternative away from the defaults, you're giving them reason to check in again, you're having more organic talks that happen because you think of each other. It's actually nice.
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Published 20 Jan, 2025