hibernation
It’s not the end of the year yet, but it already feels like it to me, somehow. I constantly think about how this year was for me and reflecting about it, even though it’s not over. So much can still happen, but it also feels like there won’t be anything. I guess I am just beaten down by everything and got my hopes up and then squashed too many times this year, so I don’t wanna expect anything anymore.
So much I had to miss out on, so many things I enjoyed significantly less because I forced myself through them while in a flare of my chronic illness, so many days in bed. So little time spent on things I enjoy. Struggles with my university workload, almost being unable to complete my assignment. Struggling through work days, working in bed with the laptop. Looking on as medicine turns my body into some grotesque thing I don’t recognize, and my mind into soup. Waiting for things to start working, waiting for appointments. Things I looked forward to got cancelled, postponed, or didn’t happen at all.
Now I took time off to see friends far away for a week and it seems like I got sick on the second day of it. That’s the first time I’m having some kinda infection while on immunosuppressants, and I already got sick easily before that, so I wonder what levels of bullshit lie ahead of me now. In any case, I will probably miss out on everything we planned for that week - movie nights, game nights, pizza making, restaurants and so on - and the only event that wasn’t cancelled or postponed, that I looked forward to for months, planning what I would wear, my accessories and nails, how I’d look.
I still had hope back then and planning all that helped me. Ohh, until then I’ll be able to consistently work out again, and have this figure, and wear the dress I planned to sew for myself, and wear the fancy press on’s I bought. Well, none of that happened. I also lost half of my hair and it’s still not stopping. And now I likely won’t even be able to attend because I caught something.
I look at everyone else and I am envious. I wanna feel fine and not in pain constantly. I wanna have a strong but correctly functioning immune system. I also wanna exercise, I wanna ride around on my bike, I wanna meet people and go out, I wanna spend hours studying, I wanna create cool things. I wanna be able to understand math better and be better at coding. I also wanna unashamedly take up space instead of starving myself, I wanna have the energy and strength instead of feeling fragile and weak. I am tired of explaining what’s wrong with me or being asked how I feel and being reminded of it all again. I wanna stop caring about how I present so much and stop thinking I have to look good to be lovable and worthwhile, especially now that it’s so easy to justify by telling myself I’m a burden or have to hide how sick I am. I also wanna eat whatever and not be overthinking about how it affects my body or the environment. I wish normal food didn’t make me feel like shit, while others basically replace their blood stream with energy drinks and alcohol and feel fine. I wish we weren’t stared at or harassed for wearing masks in public. I wish a right wing extremist win wasn’t so likely in my country, threatening me and my loved one’s rights and plans on top of everything else. I wish I wouldn’t become so bitter and jaded. I wish I didn’t have to cry more this year than the last few years combined.
So I think my year is over already. There’s nothing ahead and nothing to look forward to. Summer is over. I never got better in time. The season of the flu, colds and extreme Covid numbers is here. I guess the next two months I’ll just lie in bed and let it all wash over me, processing it all. Maybe I’ll have energy again next year, maybe there are cool plans and events, maybe I’ll feel good then. But this year was just bad and I’ll lie low until the new year officially starts.
Published 01 Oct, 2024, edited 7Â months, 2Â weeks ago