my hermit mode
I read Nick's post about him experiencing Hermit Mode where he stripped everything back, removed external factors and gone into an introspective, quiet space. I feel similarly about most of my time and relate to some of what he said, especially this:
"I really enjoy my own company and being alone with my thoughts and hobbies to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I'm a big homebody. There's nothing better than sitting down at my desk in a morning, when it's quiet and the world hasn't quite woken up yet, with a nice cup of coffee to do some coding or a bit of gaming or to watch something and eat my breakfast. I take great comfort in those moments, I feel content and safe and it allows my brain time to think and ruminate. [...] I find the balancing act of wanting to stay my own person and not give up too much of myself/my resources/my time while also giving what I can allow just too draining and I end up unhappy, disregulated and burnt out."
Something I wrote, but had never published so far, falls into this very same thing:
I don’t think I like being helped in many ways. I don’t know if it’s because of how I was raised, or just a personal reference. If I can’t do something and I ask for it, that’s fine. But as a surprise, just because, it just throws me off. Preparing my stuff for me in the mornings for me ironically makes me late or forget things, because I need to go through the routine of gathering it myself to notice something is missing.
I also don’t like to talk to the mornings. I love my 2-4h of alone time in the morning. So if there is a whole fanfare about breakfast and I’m expected to hang out and talk, my mood drops. It’s all different than I expected, than I planned, and now everything is skewed, lopsided, shaky for me. I appreciate the self-care aspect of preparing things for me, mixing of my own matcha, preparing my own little snack surprise…
And I just feel like the presence of someone else just slows me down sometimes; I get caught up in their little stories, memes people show me, sometimes they follow me around like a little puppy, they expect this or that from me, ask me to do things together just when I'm busy with my own stuff… instead of me just being alone, getting my stuff together, having time to think, and leaving on time.
It’s difficult, because it seems so ungrateful. Of course I am grateful for the effort, love and thought by someone else, but I hardly feel happy about it when it feels more like sabotage than something helpful, even if it isn’t intended that way at all. I love it for the expression of love, I hate it because of my own rigidity and need for control and solitude.
I also found DJs post very fitting.
Published 06 Jan, 2025