gym helps
I signed up for the gym a little over a year ago. I couldn’t actually use it that much last year (or consistently) because I was very sick, but now I’m the fittest I’ve been in a while, which is nice. I finally get to find out how it feels to work out with a lot less pain, to actually have stamina, build muscle and keep it; before treatment, this was impossible.
I couldn’t even jog for more than 20 seconds or so at best and gasped for air and everything hurt, I couldn’t really walk afterwards, my ankles swelled and my achilles tendon hurt, and building muscles was tedious and I lost them after 1-2 days of rest.
Now in treatment, I can run on the treadmill, my muscles don’t feel like lava and rest days don’t undo my progress, my ankles and tendons are fine. I used to struggle so much with the fact that my first workouts in a while would always be my best and any followup would get worse and worse - less jogging, worse times, worse reps or whatever - because my body just wouldn’t really recover from it. So instead of getting better and better, exercising consistently would slowly run me into the ground until the post-exertional malaise kicked me so hard I had to stop for a few weeks. Then repeat. Now, the following workouts actually feel better and easier, like they should. It’s intense how much untreated autoimmune issues affects exercise.
It makes me a little salty about gym class in school back then, because I really did try my best all the time and never managed a better grade than a 3 (a C) because of everything. It wasn’t my fault I was undiagnosed, I went to so many doctors and they didn’t detect anything until now, over a decade later.
It’s easy to say “Oh if you had an issue why not get a note from a doctor, how are the teachers supposed to know?” I think as experienced adults they should realize that they’re handling children who aren’t diagnosed yet but already have symptoms of something… we do this already for mental or developmental things, all these teachers approaching parents about getting the kids tested for ADHD or autism, depression etc. but gym teachers are just like “Fuck you for not being fit you lazy piece of shit!”, and everyone thinks you’re just trying to skip class and faking your issues.
Man even later on at work, coworkers poked fun at the fact that I used the elevator instead of the stairs all the time, because in their view that’s just for old, obese or disabled people so I shouldn’t need it, but I mean, I had all these issues that were untreated? Many things take decades to diagnose or never will be, or the people can’t afford to treat it or doctors gatekeep treatment. We need to stop thinking someone is healthy because they have no diagnoses yet (or we don’t know about them; all of mine are invisible). Obviously, people are sick before they receive a diagnosis, it doesn’t start with the diagnosis.
But anyway, gym also helped so much with getting comfortable in public for me.
Exercising is a vulnerable time with fears about certain poses or creeps or TikTokers filming… and there was some residue of what I can only describe as The Teenage Girl experience, at least in my school time. Gym class was so full of embarrassment as a girl. Every inch of your body that’s visible should be hairless, better make sure your armpits have no stubble, getting a red head while physically exerting yourself was embarrassing, getting sweaty even more so, and your makeup better stay intact. Nothing on your body better jiggle because otherwise you’re fat, specific angles might make you look fat and having to tie your hair back was also cringe because it was ruining your hairstyle and emphasizing your large forehead, big cheeks, double chin or whatever. The entire class, you always had your looks in the back of your head, like you’re presenting yourself and getting scrutinized. All that while getting relentlessly sexualized by the boys in your class because your boobs bounce during sports. I know some people have gender segregated gym class but I didn’t!
I think I was spared from the worst of this toxic mindset because I was also spending my freetime in a horse stable where no one cares how you look and you never look glamorous removing horse poop from the ground or being exhausted on top of a horse, but it still affected me.
So even a decade after finishing school, there was still this deep discomfort about exercising in front of people and feeling exposed when I’m in functional but unflattering gym clothes with my hair out of my face (well, right now my hair is about 5cm, but back then when it went down to my waist). But first getting comfortable to exercise in front of my fiancée, then at the gym really helped. No creeps. No one films, no one cares, no one stares. There’s a comfortable vibe, everyone is friendly but focused on their own thing. No one is trying to look good or stick out. Everyone’s going in baggy clothes, no makeup, no jewelry, etc.
I feel great going there, like it’s a little selfcare treat, like it’s me-time.
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Published 10 Mar, 2025