growing into myself
I’ve recently felt as if I am finally finding my way back to the core of who I am. It sounds weird to say; but I think specific circumstances, events and school made me change and repress some things to survive, to not stick out, to not do something embarrassing, and to only like what is permitted. It made me fall into a self-deprecating hole as a teen. But now at the end of my 20s, I’m rediscovering things and trying to embrace them. I’m reconnecting with how I was as a kid but in a good way.
I remember as a child, I used to be so sensitive and emotional; if a kid fell and started crying, I would cry too, even when I wasn’t in pain. It wasn’t meant to take attention away from the kid or anything, in fact I tried to hide it and soon repressed it because it was so embarrassing, but simply seeing someone else cry made me cry too, no matter the reason. When people had a civil argument, I would cry too because I thought someone was going to get into trouble or there would be a fight.
I would suddenly cry at happy music, too, because I was overwhelmed with emotions. There’s this story my parents used to tell of how we sat in the living room and I was on the floor playing. A happy song came on and I apparently started bawling my eyes out. My parents asked what happened and apparently the song made me feel so deeply. Then a sad song came on and I got up and danced and laughed, hahaha.
I think I’ve slowly gotten this emotional again, after over a decade of being unable to cry even when I wanted to or needed to. I cry a lot more now and I’m not always trying to hide it. I’m more expressive about my joy, I dance and jump around more. I am a lot less afraid to give compliments and genuinely love something. I’m allowing myself to be more vulnerable and less of a robot - you just can’t suppress the crying without suppressing so much laughter, too.
I can exist unapologetically and care much less about offending someone with my kindness, joy, opinions or success and I don’t change for fear of being disliked. I’m better at remembering that my negative emotions aren’t a burden. I don’t care about whether what I like is acceptable or cringe. I do things for fun and because I want to, without putting up hurdles like how useful or productive it is or how it will be perceived. It doesn’t have to be worthy, it just has to be enough for me.
I feel like now I have the good qualities I had as a child, plus the strength to stand up for myself and pursue what I want that that young girl lacked. I went from my own biggest hater to my own second-biggest lover, and I want to keep nourishing that. For a long time, I had to hold my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but now I can breathe.
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Published 30 Jan, 2025