thoughts on friendship
Iām starting to think I get along best with most people when I donāt know them that closely. What I mean is: no intensive group chats, or not for all kinds of intimate, brain dump kinda messages. We can hang out, sleep over, play games together, use chats for surface level stuff and to plan things, or have deeper talks 1 on 1 occasionally in person, via DMs or mail, but thatās about it for most people. I used to think I need to be super close with everyone, like best friends/partner kinda intimacy and contact, knowing your every thought and opinion, but I was wrong. Iām starting to be okay with that distance to many others because I see the advantage now.
What I mean is, the best group chat I have has 1-6 messages a day, cute pictures, funny moments in our lives and thatās usually that. Group calls are online pen and paper or streaming games we play. The best Discord server I am on is only small, with friends; and venting, sex and politics are separate channels you have to opt into. Thereās barely any venting ever and I never opted into the politics or sex things. I donāt need to know these things about you and itās probably better for our friendship if I donāt.
I donāt think we were meant to know each other as closely as we can now easily do. Your partner(s) and closest people you just click with, sure. But you donāt click with everyone on the same level, so why know everyone so deeply? Being exposed to their infuriating opinions, quirks and idiosyncrasies can be annoying and friendship damaging, especially when those things add nothing to your shared interests and activities.
When I look at what gets posted in some group chats and servers that are very active and intimate, I realize itās just brain dumps because lonely people sit at home ruminating and obsessing, and scream it into the online void for people to co-obsess and pick it apart. That stuff thatās going down in there for hours or days wouldnāt get said during a board game evening or other outing with friends. It makes me think it was a mistake that we can just send any thought out immediately to our support network; without that, youād maybe write a letter and then destroy it or put off sending it. Or you would have to wait until you meet your friends at school, the bar, the cafĆ©, the park or whatever and maybe until then, your mood has changed, or the vibe isnāt right to bring it up that fleeting feeling. It would actually be good and healthy for your friendships to be prevented from blurting stuff out like this.
When I look at how others need to manage or sidestep the entire issue, Iām glad Iām not in these kind of group chats and never wanted to join. Theyāre muting it, they keep themselves from posting positive things because it would make the sad people more sad and interrupt their little self pity party, they have a few other group chats so one of the people is always excluded in each in case you need to discuss them or something they shouldnāt seeā¦ how exhausting! Itās like everything is built around the oversharers and micromanaging their emotions and life troubles. Troubles that are, in reality, often just temporary intrusive thoughts at 11pm that others put more effort into solving than the poster does. And itās just over the next day and no one gained anything and it certainly wasnāt fun. Theyāre doing the equivalent of farting in a crowded elevator and then getting off as everyone else is left to stew in the disgusting fumes they just behind and they donāt actually have to deal with any pushback because everyone is scared to hurt them. And the very same people go to therapy even. Isnāt that your therapists job?
Iām afraid to sound callous or careless, but Iām genuinely glad I donāt know certain people closely or not as closely anymore, because it makes our relationship better. Iām glad when we just hang out and talk to play games, visit museums, cook, etc. and we keep certain things to yourself for the benefit of us both; like you arenāt telling me about your toxic ex or how you want to be autistic or have ADHD so badly and shop around for a diagnosis to use as an excuse because youāre afraid to say no without blaming some illness for your limits. Can we just play, without you sharing stuff about your life that sets me the fuck off?
Of course youāre supposed to be there for each other in friendships, and not just stick around for the fun parts. But what that means to me is sending you a care package when a bad thing happens, helping you move, letting you stay over and cooking for you, reading over your job application before you send it, and similar things. Not earnestly discussing if the new furniture you bought is ruining your life, or fighting with you because you get on my nerves whining about your bad hookups.
I used to think that was part of the experience, the price to pay to know people and hang out, but nah. You can just hang out and have fun and leave all their personal shit out of it. Iām refusing to feel bad for that, because honestly I think thats how people pre-smartphone kept friendships alive and more healthy than we tend to do now. People are complex, and it's okay to have friends that revolve around one or two topics and you never touch the rest. Complete transparency is destructive with most people. Quick, short messages with constant access push this kind of thing, though.
Thatās one aspect I really like about emailing Bearblog people: E-mails take time and thought, and issues like above donāt happen because even if it gets personal, it has meaning and isnāt toxic for the connection.
Published 29 Dec, 2024