closed mouths don’t get fed / fragility
I find that there are varying levels of understanding of how fragile we are in other people. There are people who seem to learn this early through own experiences or caring for someone early in life, and some who even refuse to acknowledge it when old age issues limit them.
The requests of people who are weaker than you in some ways can seem… ridiculous. Extra. They should be grateful for what they have. They shouldn’t ask for more. They need to make it work like the rest of us! That’s usually how it goes, and then the stories start about how someone suffered voluntarily and didn’t ask for help, and they derive some pride from it or told themselves it made them better somehow, so everyone should do that. We can’t concede to the weaklings in society! Where would that get us? A slippery slope in which people might work less, have less work injuries, less burnout and other mental illness, more job and life satisfaction and less issues in old age from not working themselves to the bone most of their life? Crazy, we can’t do that!
You can’t just call something ableist, you know. We know it isn’t set in stone, we made the rules, and the rules were not made with disabled and chronically ill people in mind, and they’re disadvantaged the way things are… but calling it out for what it is is just too much. You brat. Don’t do that.
Bad enough that we live in a society where human rights aren’t a baseline, but a concession, some goodwill… we’re also nonsensically punishing physical and mental illness in a society with billions of sick and disabled and where ~10% of the population are over 65 years old and bound to experience age related restrictions and problems. And there will be more, as we tend to get older with less young people to follow up and the number of chronic illnesses keeps rising. Who knows what’s to blame - microplastics, stress, pesticides, better diagnostics, viral infections like Covid?
Can’t say how it is in other countries, but this exact demographic change is the reason we are asked to work longer and longer in life here to make retirement funds work. Looks like I’m probably going to have to work until 70 or later. And it’s just hilarious (and sad) to think about the resistance to workplace accommodations and better work conditions when that is the future - if you need people to work this long, you have to support their ability to do so preventatively and once they’re affected.
Regardless, even if you don’t understand yet, one day you will. One day your back hurts so bad you can’t move. Or one day, your joints hurt so much and are so stiff you can’t move or hold a glass, can’t even dress yourself. Possibly, the depression and anxiety get so bad you can’t leave the house. A viral infection might leave you with POTS or ME/CFS. Maybe one day, you’re having a migraine that just. won’t. stop. Maybe one day you receive that dreaded diagnosis and now have to squeeze in the infusion appointments. And you’ll have to make it all work with your job. As I did.
Will you still have a job with all of that? Can you be sick off work without worrying about getting fired and becoming homeless? Can you afford to be this sick? Do you have people who would take care of you?
Do you want your friends to go through this struggle? Your family member? Your child, your neighbor, … your coworker?
One day, someone else has to take care of you again or you just can’t do it like you used to. That’s unfortunate. But it’s foreseeable (not when exactly, of course) and the best we can do is take care of ourselves and make sure to ask for what we need.
I wish that you know that you are valued and deserve help, and I wish that you find a place of employment that lets you know how important you are not just with words, but also support, an open ear, and a livable wage. I wish that you can acknowledge when you are sick and when you need to make changes and prioritize differently. I wish that you have the support you need and the financial/job security to explore all the treatment and time away from work that you need. I wish health will never put your job at risk. I wish that you can dream bigger for yourself if you come from a country that is very unforgiving, expensive, and unsupportive.
When I ask more from my job, I do that from a place of love. A love for the field I’m in and what it deserves, a love for everyone at my workplace who deals with terrible things in private, and a love for myself. Knowing that I’m in a position to ask for more because I am cherished by coworkers and needed at work. I gladly give more at work and really power through because I know I am supported when I can’t do that. I do a lot of things not in my job description because I like to and I want to give back for the things I like about it.
But, I know my boundaries and I am ready to defend them because there have been enough cruel, hopeless and humbling moments in my life. This year alone, I had times I had to ask for someone to dress or undress me, help me up from the toilet, and stood with bloodied sweatpants in front of a nurse crying after 80mg IV Prednisone and days of basically just parenteral nutrition and a blood transfusion. I laid in bed, everything spinning, nausea, headaches, no energy, pain everywhere just waiting to either die or get better. After an excruciating Crohn’s disease year, I’ve now been told what I already assumed: that I also have Ankylosing Spondylitis messing with my joints and fusing my spine. That just resets the bar of what I’m willing to fight for and what matters most to me in life. That’s why I’m unashamed to have asked (and gotten) fulltime home office for my health, among other things, and I would always ask again and keep it up as long as I need it and fight vocally for anyone who might need it after I don’t anymore.
The key is not just asking what you need and concluding the others ask for too much. It’s looking around you what others actively need right now and acknowledging that their needs might be yours in the future, too. Many neoliberal and conservative policies or ideas about employment are good for the young invincible ones and the ill rich that can buy themselves out of the worst consequences, but they’re not enough for most of us average mortals.
Published 25 Nov, 2024