for the burnouts
I've been getting into a game today that I really needed.
I think many people react to this world by pushing themselves harder, to get more and more control until they feel safe again. There's a lie we tell ourselves: That just putting in the work and hours will save us. Like a math equation, it just then has to happen the way we wanted. Safety. Control. Every failure is rationalized as a positive or used to insult yourself better - crack down on your behavior harder, train harder, work harder, study harder. It was there to serve you a lesson, it was there to make you better, it's there for you to grow... we can't admit that sometimes, shit just sucks for no reason. There cannot be pain that isn't harnessed into something productive. If we wouldn't do that, then pain would just be pain, and that is unbearable. Unacceptable. We survived by seeing ourselves as a fighter, as experienced with this type of pain, as someone willing to put up with it and make it work instead of shying away from it. We got used to the fruits this brings us.
"When you're in a fight with someone, only one thing matters: Control. Are you in control or not? Because if you're not, here is what happens. You get hit... hard. You feel scared. You submit. But if you do the work, if you put in the hours, if you give yourself no excuses, then YOU take back control. That feeling right there, the moment when you realize that your pain does not have to be an impediment, that it can be what drives you. That's the reason why I became a fighter. It's why I pushed myself harder than anybody I have ever known. I trained like my life depended on it, I did the time, I put in the work. [...] God, it took everything but I EARNED it."
But at some point, it's bound to not work anymore. We have worked ourselves into the ground. We're tired. Something happens and it just sucks, and the self-flagellation to get yourself closer to perfection doesn't work anymore. The words don't hit. Everything you do is suddenly 100 times harder. We pushed ourselves to a level we cannot sustain, and so there is the inevitable fall. One we might not recover from.
"Finally I'm here, I made it, I can.... I.... I lost? How?? No, no no no. I must have gotten sloppy, complacent. I must have slacked on my training. I'm so stupid. But... but I can use this failure to push myself even harder! Train myself back up better than ever. Right, maybe the loss was actually a lesson I needed. Once I've made it back to the top I'll never allow .... again? I'm a failure. I'm weak, I'm a failure, I don't deserve it, I don't want to be this person.... No! Snap out of it Alta, don't go to that place again. Take responsibility. This can be fixed."
But we have to learn to be that person. That some loss is inevitable, some perfection is unattainable, and that we have to take care of ourselves. We cannot keep running, and we'll have to drop what made us so along the way.
I've been enjoying this beautiful little game about making tea and start to thrive, not just survive and fight. It's called Wanderstop, and so far it has been very, very relatable with its opening intro.
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Published 11 Mar, 2025