dy(e)ing hair
After this eventful year, my hair is still falling out, unfortunately. It’s been months now and it’s not stopping. A lot of medication I took and tried and rely on list it as a common side effect, so I will likely be on that ride for a while longer. Thankfully no bald spots, but my ponytail is now half of what it was. And I feel like because there’s less hair to shield and support eachother while I lie in bed or walk around, there’s more breakage too.
I thought about if I should dye my hair again to bring some fun back into it, because right now it’s just annoying and a sad sight for me. Changing your hair is probably one of the best ways to gain back a feeling of control if you feel like you have none and to mark a point in time to change and pretend you’re a new person now. There’s a reason for why breakups and breakdowns (wow) often end with a 3am fringe or undercut.
I admit that aspect is appealing after being actively sick for most of this year. It adds something whimsical too.. magic. You can just sit on the sofa and look down, see your white or purple hair and feel like an elf or a wizard, not a boring human with problems.
I used to dye my hair from 2007 to 2018, then stopped. I started when I was 12. I had all kinds of colors, but I got tired of redyeing all the time, staining showers and towels, stained skin, and the impact of regularly putting this on my skin and how much would probably be absorbed and cause some future damage. I also started my first serious and important job (which didn’t demand I wear natural, but I felt like I had to start looking like a proper adult and assimilate). But I was also tired of the social aspect.
People always tended to assume the wrong things about colorful dyed hair. In classes, I was assumed to be the troublemaker or class clown (I wasn’t) and treated accordingly by teachers; people assumed I did it for attention (but I hated that colored hair would make people stare more; I kinda wanted to be invisible); people expected an eccentric and extroverted outgoing person to wear hair like that, but I was shy and wanted to be left alone mostly; I think going in with that expectation made them read my shyness as arrogance.
There’s also weird sexual connotations no one dyeing their hair asked for (that I won’t get into) that goes for all colors, but is especially relevant for why I wouldn’t wear red hair anymore. I think sadly if you are a teen… with dyed hair like I was, shitty adults will try to go after you; I think they’re legitimizing it to themselves by saying you look so mature with that hair or are some sort of temptress.
At the workplace I had before 2018, I think it had the opposite effect and made me get treated lowkey like an unexperienced baby (non-maliciously) more so than the people my age who had a natural hair color. My boss back then also said (after few months of not working there anymore and running into each other) it seemed like I hid behind that hair and that now that I have my natural brown, I seem happier and more confident. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was almost exclusively the growth and changes you go through when you move out from (a bad) home and start working a demanding adult job, not just a student side job.
And I think at my age now (28) there are even more judgements because it’s supposedly childish, you must be stuck trying to relive your teens, and it means you’re toxic. There’s always men in the comments of some dyed hair person being like “In nature, plants signify they’re being toxic by bright colors!!” Well, if we’re gonna reference nature, I’ll suggest they should rock some colorful hair as well just like a peacock to finally attract a mate, since it obviously hasn’t worked without it yet.
Anyway, I am not sure the benefits outweigh the cons, and wigs are really dreadful to me. I tried, but yikes.
I also thought of just shaving it all off. Buzzcut. And then dyeing it neon green, probably. Which would be funny, because I usually have long brown hair and I am very very feminine visually.
Even then, I feel like everyone is too emotionally involved with how other people look. To some it would produce worry because they’d think I’m having a Britney-esque meltdown or they associate it with illness and I don’t wanna scare them. I have Crohn’s, but I’m not dying from cancer. Others feel offended because it isn’t sexy or feminine, which is a loser attitude. Others would be like “Umm, why would she do this, she doesn’t have the face or head for the look!” Well unfortunately, my hair doesn’t care that I have bigger cheeks and a larger forehead or not a perfectly round head shape, it’ll just fall out regardless and has fun clogging my drains, my washing machine and my dryer and sticking to all my belongings anyway.
Sometimes I worry I run out of time though. What if I’ll die before I can shave it all off once? Which is such a ridiculous thought, it’s actually funny. It won’t matter when I am dead. And no one will collapse at my grave going “Whyyyy, it’s so unfair! She didn’t even get to shave off her hair!” Maybe I’ll do it. But if I regret it, I’ll have to wait years for it to recover.
I wrote this in the bathtub in my Notes app, and now I’m wrinkly like a raisin.
Published 10 Sep, 2024, edited 1 week, 6 days ago