deescalation and discussion skills
Discussions are unavoidable at times, and I want to vent about something that frustrates me a bit.
First off, if itās a stranger, I usually donāt engage unless itās interesting, or extremely egregious bullshit, or I know I wonāt be discussing against it alone. Strangers just seem to mostly have no incentive to stay respectful during discussions because they reserve it for friends and family only, sadly. Youāre not a real person to them, just an inconvenience, a valve they can vent through and thatās it. They donāt even do their due diligence to find out if their assumptions are correct - the amount of times people think I am from the US speaks volumes.
For friends or coworkers I know reasonably well, I think discussions are fine if I know there is mutual benefits to it and thereās an air of goodwill and not assuming the worst. It works the best when we are both exploring the topic instead of fixed opposite views. Over the years, I had to adapt a bit to make things work more smoothly.
Ideally, it goes like this:
- I often start out with a slightly softer position than I actually have and build it up and explain from there. It softens the blow should we clash and is less hostile.
- If needed, Iām also a little more neutral inbetween to not let it escalate too much. I can keep my view, but doesnāt mean I need to express it all the time at all costs, basically. I can signal that our relationship is more important to me than being right or trying to convince.
- Language; even though I know they are factually dead wrong, Iāll word it carefully, like āWell, personally I rememberā¦ but I could be wrong.ā and similar things. It shows Iām willing to admit fault and itās safe for them to do as well if they desire. They donāt have to posture as a perfect expert on the topic this way. It also doesnāt build too much pressure and doesnāt corner them too hard with proof.
- I tell them (when I genuinely mean it and in a casual, fitting way) that I appreciate them explaining and that I understand their view now. This makes them less defensive and feeling less threatened, and it doesnāt mean that I changed my opinion. I donāt have to do that to understand where someoneās coming from.
- When I see the discussion is going nowhere and we both have positions that wonāt change, I focus on our similarities about the topic or what brings our views together. We might overall disagree, but Iāll focus on that we just want the best for us or whatever it is about.
Donāt get me wrong, Iām no doormat. I have strong opinions and I have it in me to argue for hours or days. In many ways online and offline as a teen, I used to be full head on confrontation - not hold back, not water it down, directly call people out on stuff that is blatantly false, not concede, not trying to find similarities, not stopping until the other person drops it or accepts. Iād go where it hurts and drag related personal things into it too if you insisted on being an asshole.
I can still do that, but being that is just draining for everyone with usually no good outcome. You have to pick your battles, reserve the opinionated shots for genuinely awful people and be mature and professional in some situations to get ahead. That also involves recognizing that aside from verifiable data and science facts that are - for now - true, and your own experiences and identity, there are things you cannot be sure to be completely right in. Many things require more nuance and you could both be wrong. Iāve also sadly had to grow up with extremely immature parents with no emotional regulation, so I had to do that for them with very similar things like the list. Iām used to having to juggle peopleās emotions for them during conversations, unfortunately.
But to get to the point, it frustrates me sometimes that I feel like Iām outnumbered by people who are bad at this or refuse to do the same. The above things feel better when done in moderation and mutually, so I donāt have to feel like Iām walking in a minefield trying to not set them off or like I canāt express myself. If I repeatedly have experiences where Iām always the bigger person trying to be kind, to listen, to focus in similarities, to correct gently and all that and never get it back, I start to feel resentful, even though I shouldnāt. The lesson isnāt to stop doing it, itās to (if possible) surround myself with people who reciprocate. Itās sadly not possible at work or online, but at least in private.
Iām frankly tired of the ways many, many people discuss; itās shortsighted, over emotional, and my-way-or-the-highway. They assume the worst possible interpretation and word their response in a way clearly influenced by ragebait content and viral edgy quips. There is frequent fallacies and goal post moving. They ask for proof, you deliver proof and that makes them mad. They are quick to put political labels on people but get mad when others do it to them. Their focus doesnāt seem to be constructive criticism, itās to stop you from creating, from speaking, or whatever else youāve been doing. If they donāt like it, no one can; they fail to consider it is meant for a different audience who gets it, and that there could be people who like it, too.
Any good argument is shot down with āthatās what xyz wants you to thinkā¦ this is propagandaā¦ā or whatever. If itās something you canāt find a source for (because itās a personal experience, for example) youāre just wrong or lie; if you do find one, itās allegedly biased and also a lie. They employ something akin to the narcissists prayer: āThat doesnāt happen, thatās just a lie, and if it does happen, it isnāt so bad and others do it too anyway, and maybe they deserved it/it was done for good reason.ā
Thereās no nuance. Either that thing is great or itās total garbage. Theyāll deny having said the thing they said just a minute ago, even in a chat, when itās in writing and everyone can just scroll up and see it. Youāre genuinely gaslit by some people so they donāt have to be wrong. Some are so emotionally attached to a thing, a position, an outcome that itās completely impossible to criticize it, as if you were trying to steal it from them or taint it. I wish more people would see things you say as an invitation for discussion and one way to see things, instead of immediately thinking itās an attempt to rewrite or invalidate their experiences.
You try your hardest to consider their circumstances and experiences and education level to understand why they think this way, but they donāt do the same for you - to them, youāre just stupid and wrong for no reason and they donāt have the ability to see things from your perspective. They donāt get the idea that maybe, difference in location, age, consumed content, taste and experiences can change how we all perceive things.
I hate for the other person to think Iām attacking them personally for something they like and for me to think they are a giant moron who has shit arguments, canāt read properly and lies to protect their ego. Itās relationship damaging. I hate leaving these discussions and feeling bad I even tried to find a common ground to end it on a positive note because I think it wasnāt worth it and just made me feel small and they never even considered backing down a bit.
It makes me think you just have to act in an immature, no-nuance enough manner and your shit will just stand there unchallenged or semi-challenged because others like me wanna be careful, fair, and kind, giving the benefit of the doubt, or not wanting to waste our time. Because even if it is challenged, it always takes people a lot more time to write something debunking it and searching for sources than it takes for the other person to just sling bullshit and followup questions meant to shut you up.
It's easier to read a post with 200+ sources and just say "Hah no that's BS" with nothing else, than actually writing that post, or a post debunking it with the same level of analysis and sources. Not to mention that once theyāre asked to provide sources, they just disappear, or say āWell shouldnāt you able to research yourself?!ā. People like this love to waste your time and donāt hold themselves to the same standards they hold others. Their words are just to be accepted as gospel, of course, while othersā sources arenāt enough.
Theyāre allowed to play dirty and keep being infantilizing, mocking and insulting, but if you as the bigger person finally break and dare to say they can kiss your ass or whatever, youāre the bad guy because people have higher expectations for the more mature, well-spoken person.
Anyway, that was what I wanted to get off my chest. I didnāt have a dumb discussion like that in quite a while, but I think of past ones and it just gets me heated.
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