deescalation and discussion skills
Discussions are unavoidable at times, and I want to vent about something that frustrates me a bit.
First off, if it’s a stranger, I usually don’t engage unless it’s interesting, or extremely egregious bullshit, or I know I won’t be discussing against it alone. Strangers just seem to mostly have no incentive to stay respectful during discussions because they reserve it for friends and family only, sadly. You’re not a real person to them, just an inconvenience, a valve they can vent through and that’s it. They don’t even do their due diligence to find out if their assumptions are correct - the amount of times people think I am from the US speaks volumes.
For friends or coworkers I know reasonably well, I think discussions are fine if I know there is mutual benefits to it and there’s an air of goodwill and not assuming the worst. It works the best when we are both exploring the topic instead of fixed opposite views. Over the years, I had to adapt a bit to make things work more smoothly.
Ideally, it goes like this:
- I often start out with a slightly softer position than I actually have and build it up and explain from there. It softens the blow should we clash and is less hostile.
- If needed, I’m also a little more neutral inbetween to not let it escalate too much. I can keep my view, but doesn’t mean I need to express it all the time at all costs, basically. I can signal that our relationship is more important to me than being right or trying to convince.
- Language; even though I know they are factually dead wrong, I’ll word it carefully, like “Well, personally I remember… but I could be wrong.” and similar things. It shows I’m willing to admit fault and it’s safe for them to do as well if they desire. They don’t have to posture as a perfect expert on the topic this way. It also doesn’t build too much pressure and doesn’t corner them too hard with proof.
- I tell them (when I genuinely mean it and in a casual, fitting way) that I appreciate them explaining and that I understand their view now. This makes them less defensive and feeling less threatened, and it doesn’t mean that I changed my opinion. I don’t have to do that to understand where someone’s coming from.
- When I see the discussion is going nowhere and we both have positions that won’t change, I focus on our similarities about the topic or what brings our views together. We might overall disagree, but I’ll focus on that we just want the best for us or whatever it is about.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no doormat. I have strong opinions and I have it in me to argue for hours or days. In many ways online and offline as a teen, I used to be full head on confrontation - not hold back, not water it down, directly call people out on stuff that is blatantly false, not concede, not trying to find similarities, not stopping until the other person drops it or accepts. I’d go where it hurts and drag related personal things into it too if you insisted on being an asshole.
I can still do that, but being that is just draining for everyone with usually no good outcome. You have to pick your battles, reserve the opinionated shots for genuinely awful people and be mature and professional in some situations to get ahead. That also involves recognizing that aside from verifiable data and science facts that are - for now - true, and your own experiences and identity, there are things you cannot be sure to be completely right in. Many things require more nuance and you could both be wrong. I’ve also sadly had to grow up with extremely immature parents with no emotional regulation, so I had to do that for them with very similar things like the list. I’m used to having to juggle people’s emotions for them during conversations, unfortunately.
But to get to the point, it frustrates me sometimes that I feel like I’m outnumbered by people who are bad at this or refuse to do the same. The above things feel better when done in moderation and mutually, so I don’t have to feel like I’m walking in a minefield trying to not set them off or like I can’t express myself. If I repeatedly have experiences where I’m always the bigger person trying to be kind, to listen, to focus in similarities, to correct gently and all that and never get it back, I start to feel resentful, even though I shouldn’t. The lesson isn’t to stop doing it, it’s to (if possible) surround myself with people who reciprocate. It’s sadly not possible at work or online, but at least in private.
I’m frankly tired of the ways many, many people discuss; it’s shortsighted, over emotional, and my-way-or-the-highway. They assume the worst possible interpretation and word their response in a way clearly influenced by ragebait content and viral edgy quips. There is frequent fallacies and goal post moving. They ask for proof, you deliver proof and that makes them mad. They are quick to put political labels on people but get mad when others do it to them. Their focus doesn’t seem to be constructive criticism, it’s to stop you from creating, from speaking, or whatever else you’ve been doing. If they don’t like it, no one can; they fail to consider it is meant for a different audience who gets it, and that there could be people who like it, too.
Any good argument is shot down with “that’s what xyz wants you to think… this is propaganda…” or whatever. If it’s something you can’t find a source for (because it’s a personal experience, for example) you’re just wrong or lie; if you do find one, it’s allegedly biased and also a lie. They employ something akin to the narcissists prayer: “That doesn’t happen, that’s just a lie, and if it does happen, it isn’t so bad and others do it too anyway, and maybe they deserved it/it was done for good reason.”
There’s no nuance. Either that thing is great or it’s total garbage. They’ll deny having said the thing they said just a minute ago, even in a chat, when it’s in writing and everyone can just scroll up and see it. You’re genuinely gaslit by some people so they don’t have to be wrong. Some are so emotionally attached to a thing, a position, an outcome that it’s completely impossible to criticize it, as if you were trying to steal it from them or taint it. I wish more people would see things you say as an invitation for discussion and one way to see things, instead of immediately thinking it’s an attempt to rewrite or invalidate their experiences.
You try your hardest to consider their circumstances and experiences and education level to understand why they think this way, but they don’t do the same for you - to them, you’re just stupid and wrong for no reason and they don’t have the ability to see things from your perspective. They don’t get the idea that maybe, difference in location, age, consumed content, taste and experiences can change how we all perceive things.
I hate for the other person to think I’m attacking them personally for something they like and for me to think they are a giant moron who has shit arguments, can’t read properly and lies to protect their ego. It’s relationship damaging. I hate leaving these discussions and feeling bad I even tried to find a common ground to end it on a positive note because I think it wasn’t worth it and just made me feel small and they never even considered backing down a bit.
It makes me think you just have to act in an immature, no-nuance enough manner and your shit will just stand there unchallenged or semi-challenged because others like me wanna be careful, fair, and kind, giving the benefit of the doubt, or not wanting to waste our time. Because even if it is challenged, it always takes people a lot more time to write something debunking it and searching for sources than it takes for the other person to just sling bullshit and followup questions meant to shut you up.
It's easier to read a post with 200+ sources and just say "Hah no that's BS" with nothing else, than actually writing that post, or a post debunking it with the same level of analysis and sources. Not to mention that once they’re asked to provide sources, they just disappear, or say “Well shouldn’t you able to research yourself?!”. People like this love to waste your time and don’t hold themselves to the same standards they hold others. Their words are just to be accepted as gospel, of course, while others’ sources aren’t enough.
They’re allowed to play dirty and keep being infantilizing, mocking and insulting, but if you as the bigger person finally break and dare to say they can kiss your ass or whatever, you’re the bad guy because people have higher expectations for the more mature, well-spoken person.
Anyway, that was what I wanted to get off my chest. I didn’t have a dumb discussion like that in quite a while, but I think of past ones and it just gets me heated.
Reply via email
Published 08 Feb, 2025