it feels like a calling, finally
Content warning: Brief mentions of disordered eating habits.
Whenever I am deeply and actively involved in my passion topic (data protection law), I donāt care about the superficial stuff anymore. Writing, researching, talking to others about it, attending events just completely takes me out of the usual thought spirals and needless worries and makes me feel so at peace, so happy.
I mean the things that the internet is especially good at convincing you of, even if you arenāt on specific platforms or in certain bubbles; the things that drip down to you from elsewhere, seep through the barriers.
Beauty standards, looksmaxxing, pretty privilege, the current emphasis on making money via your looks as a social media or OF career, the idea of a dating market, dating strategies and having to optimize your value and constantly self-improve. The hope that by leveraging looks and weird manipulative books on how to win people over, youāll get further professionally, as people perceive you as more competent and trustworthy. You need to be perfect because if you canāt even take care of yourself, how will you handle anything else?
Together with a lot of memes about how āthatās how ugly you look if you (negative behavior)ā. The message is clear: If you are sick and/or ugly, something is wrong with you and it shows on the outside to warn everyone to stay away. Some girl putting on makeup is telling you whatās chic and not chic, creating fear that people will not choose you, will even exclude you for minor a faux-pas.
Things like considering a jaw shave to make my face more symmetrical or moving my hairline or doing Invisalign or losing another 10kg or considering a fitness regime to develop visible absā¦ only pop up as a sort of static noise and circular obsessive thoughts when I am lonely and/or directionless, hopeless, lost, questioning my path, not engaging actively enough with what I love.
Whenever I am fired up for my passion and engaging with it, I donāt care about my looks or my weight. All I care about is treating my body well so I can do more of what makes me happy, and serve that passion well, devote myself fully. It feels like my calling, it feels like something I want to give myself to entirely, like a farmer is giving themselves to their harvest completely (cringiest thing I have ever said on this blog, but I don't know how else to say it!). I no longer care about eating as little as possible, and trying to postpone it as long as possible, while choosing low cal options that are as filling as possible to cheat my body.
Instead, I care about eating enough and at the right times so I can read complicated texts, write, analyze, learn, am able to follow a lecture, and feel stable enough to travel and make it somewhere. I value it as the fuel that it is, to keep this meat mechsuit going that enables me to do the things I do, together with exercise for strength, not calorie deficit. I cannot do my part if I'm dizzy and weak.
I also stop obsessing about how fat or asymmetrical my face might look from an angle or while I smile. Instead, I care about what I develop inside, and what comes out of it; that my ideas and words are meaningful, true, helpful. I care about understanding things correctly, of being able to explain them well, and about being able to afford my dreams and goals (further education), not beauty.
I finally get to focus on giving my cognitive power, my presence, my body for the cause, not the eye; because I feel like this is my mission, and to pursue my mission well, I canāt starve myself, I canāt prioritize risky elective procedures and recovery, I canāt withdraw out of fear of being perceived as ugly or weird when my desired field compels me to talk to people more knowledgeable than me and learn.
It really is true that beauty standards hold us back so much, distract us, take bandwidth and focus away. It can be so hard to break through the fog of these thoughts that tell us to provide value with our bodies and not our thoughts and words.
Iām not going to be a better expert at this topic by being underweight or having abs or a smaller cheek, so why waste time on it pretending these subtle changes will help my overall success? The work ahead is straightforward, and nothing of it involves beauty.
The internet drastically overstates the importance of these things. I already have great grades, a great work ethic, readers, an amazing mentor, the drive and intelligence. All of that is much more important for my success and happiness than fixing superficial flaws that no one but me is really noticing. My body is already going through enough, it deserves better.
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