cutting off my mother was so worth it!
An update to this.
All this time, I either tried to find a good time to do it and delayed it, or told myself I could make it work for the rest of her life. It could get better, we have good times sometimes, and I could deal with seeing her once or twice a year, right? I thought everyone wins in this scenario: I fulfill my expectation as a daughter, I don’t have to take a drastic step and have difficult conversations, and I don’t lose out on a possible future change in our relationship. I get to be normal and have somewhat of a family left. But I just lost without fully realizing the scope of it all.
Now that it’s been a while, I feel silly for not having done this sooner. Having her in my life even peripherally seems to have dragged me down so much in ways I didn't even know. It held me back to an intense degree. I feel so much better now!
Looking back at it, it was even worse than I had been aware of. I accepted behavior I would have rejected otherwise, because it was still better than the worst abuse, or sandwiched between the good. I’d just shrug off comments that now, I would look at you in shock and immediately ask you to leave. Things she’d never say in front of others, or to others.
I made excuses that she was just clumsy in her words or it’s just her way to show care, but now finally removed from all of this, I see so clearly that I was the target of unrelenting resentment all the time, unashamedly so. All that she ever saw in me were things she disliked about herself and my father, a walking reminder of a depressing phase in her life, and she could never hide it or move on from that.
I completely underestimated how much even just experiencing and accepting this every few months altered how I see and treat myself. I thought as long as I limited contact and didn't live with her, it would be fine. But subconsciously, I showed myself that it’s okay to treat me that way. I was complicit; I let myself down, I didn’t stand up for myself, I ignored my needs and wants, and I made myself small, rolling over without any resistance. I had chances to evade it, put an end to it, but I was cowardly and stayed anyway. I prioritized a damaging relationship over my mental health.
This eroded trust in myself and just made it okay for me to treat myself badly in some aspects too. An abusive relationship, especially to a parent, affects everything in life: How you carry yourself, how you speak, how much energy you have, what you believe you can do, the types of people you surround yourself with, the treatment and opportunities you accept. It directly negatively affects your success in education, work, hobbies, and other relationships! So many people who grew up in an abusive household end up in abusive workplaces and toxic relationships for this reason!
Keeping the contact up didn’t maintain a relationship at all, it just kept a wound open; one that could get triggered by workplace discussions or conflicts.
Without contact and this festering wound, I feel so much more confident now to speak up, to ask for what I want, to push back and not prioritize the comfort of others to an unhealthy or excessive degree. I feel more comfortable with the idea of people not liking me or what I do; I owe this directly to no longer having to tiptoe around my mothers’ feelings and not having to be the one to adjust my behavior to avoid outbursts. I am a lot less nervous around social interactions now because I am no longer resetting my progress every few months by meeting someone who always sees the worst in me and others.
I am no longer normalizing this sort of stuff to myself. Best thing I ever did!
You can’t change or save them. They’re grown adults who choose to be this way - either completely, or knowingly hiding it until you’re in private. Let them be miserable! Let them reap the consequences of their actions. It’s not like your attempts at conversations to change your relationship or their behavior helped long-term. They know what the problem is and had enough chances; at some point, if you don’t put up walls, they know there is no consequence for their disrespect. Why would they treat you better when treating you badly gives them satisfaction and access to you still remains intact? You’re a good punching bag.
Don't wait until they're dead. No one gives you all these years back that you have wasted sticking around for their abuse. No one gives you a medal for enduring this bullshit. You could die before them, and then what?
All this time you stay, you could feel free instead, love yourself, be cherished and supported by others, and let the decisions in your life reflect that - more peace, better work, better finances, better relationships to others and yourself.
10/10 move, would recommend. Now I have a nicer family - my in-laws and friends. I am thriving.
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