“christmas stress” & radical self care
I recently overheard a woman at the grocery store talking about the “usual Christmas stress”. It’s such a common thing people say everywhere. I wonder every time: why?
I get that the bigger your family, the more expectations need to be fulfilled and the more entitled some people in it will likely act. The grumpy grandpa who won’t eat this or that, the youngest child that will throw a tantrum if it doesn’t get that toy, other relatives planning to come over or even stay over, the house has to be clean and tidy and festive. You need to keep up the act. Or do you?
A lot of this Christmas stress is about being bad at setting boundaries or saying no, gender roles, and holding on to traditions without questioning them. Maybe it’s time to put the foot down and act.
If you don’t wanna host this year, it’s fine! Say no! Say you’re celebrating with your partner and/or children only, maybe next year! “Oh but my in-laws are going to be so mad!” Okay, and? So what? You think they won’t get over it? Can you not last 2 months of passive aggressive bullshittery until they give in and get back to normal? Let them pout. They can’t manipulate you.
And even if they don’t go back to normal, do you really want to bust your ass for someone who will drop you from their lives forever over not being invited over once for free food? I’m sorry, but relatives get a pass too often at this. They’re guests, it’s a privilege to be at your house and they can only do that if they’re friendly and respectful. Period. No one is entitled to your home and care. Say goodbye to the years where you have to endure the disrespectful ass comments my grandma at your dinner table. Tell them if they can’t behave, they can celebrate by themselves! It’s time to hold people accountable and expect adults to act like adults, not toddlers. Stop getting your holidays ruined by people you don’t even like, just because of some false sense of obligation. Don’t go somewhere you don’t wanna go either. Don’t wanna have the stress of traveling, don’t!
Yes, maybe it will be sad for the children (if you have any) that they won’t see some relatives that time. But they will get over it too. And do you know what also sucks for them? Seeing their parent or sibling get verbally abused by a relative. Seeing that guests can act disrespectfully and nothing happens because “we don’t wanna upset them”. Or seeing their parent force themselves somewhere under the guise of being polite, and then they’re getting yelled at over nothing because you’re stressed. You need to teach children that it’s okay to say no even when people get upset and threaten consequences. That’s how you raise a self-confident person who is a bit more safe from predators.
There’s a reason why it’s usually women saying anything about Christmas stress. They’re most often the ones who decorate, who know what the children want and where you can get it, who clean the house and who will accommodate the guests. They know the idiosyncrasies of the older relatives and how to juggle them. The mental load for them is insanely high for them this year around. Almost everything around Christmas at home, from decorations to food to activities and keeping the family peace, is a woman’s invisible and unpaid labour she isn’t thanked for, it is just expected. It just pops up next morning, after school or work, things are smooth sailing and that’s that.
But it doesn’t have to be this way! You can hold your man accountable, you can decorate with him and the children, even if it’s slower, less efficient and imperfect. You can ask them to contribute to the dinner plans or dinner itself. You can ask for help in the kitchen and your husband can load and unload the goddamn dishwasher or do the laundry. Your children can learn how to do household chores and tidy up the rest of the home. Your husband can pick up some groceries on the way home as well. The best time to have established all this would have been yesterday, but better late than never. It’s time to raise children to be equal members of the household and to recognize when a family member like their mother needs help, and it’s time that learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence aren’t an excuse anymore why everything has to be done by mummy and not daddy. This will take a lot of the stress away.
The holidays are supposed to be a relaxed and nice time, remember that. And remember that the people who make it possible deserve to feel that way too. It’s 2024. It cannot be that the only reward the people doing the most to make it all work get, is empty dishes to clean. And the times of hosting assholes should be over. Prioritize the people you love. Grow a spine.
Published 10 Dec, 2024