you are probably not a bad person
The post by psychidion made me think. I empathized with the views expressed there and I think in particularly bad or depressing times, I thought the same way about myself. I definitely still agree with the paragraphs about mistakes, grace and loving deeply. But I don’t seem to think the same way about some of the rest anymore, at least now.
I started to think in a more nuanced way in regard to bad and good, and don’t conflate goodness with being somehow morally superior by default. It’s only natural to strongly categorize people as a crutch for our brains to assess situations in a simple way, but it’s important to challenge that sometimes. I find it hard to categorize people definitely into these categories except if it is very egregious - think war, genocide, rape etc.
I also think it’s easier to become attached to being labeled a “bad person” because this way, you’ll have no standards applied to you, or they’re at least very low. It feels like you cannot disappoint anyone if you claim that for yourself, because as a bad person, they should be content with you simply not actively hurting them instead of trying to do good. No one will hold you to anything, instead a lack of action is a positive. It feels more safe to proactively claim being a bad person instead of being repeatedly labeled so from the outside against your will; owning the worst stuff that can be leveled against you so it hurts less. You can just say “Yeah, I know” or “I didn’t even try” and be done with it. It feels confident and secure. If you’ve always been taught by your parent(s) that you’ll never be enough and showered with criticism, of course you’re going to internalize like that, I used to as well. It’s also an understandable response to what some people experience as a culture of purity, in which one is seen as a good person who’ll mess up sooner or later and one wrong public step can cause hate and harassment in your DMs.
But I think what also plays into it is that it feels cringe to say you’re a good person. Many people who say it don’t let their actions speak for themselves, and seem to only say it to cover for their opposite actions. It also takes a bit of courage to say that - you don’t want to come across as narcissistic, thinking you’re perfect and without flaws. That just seems like you’re not self-reflecting and honest with yourself. Plus, we don’t wanna invite further scrutiny and standards on our behaviors, so we’d rather not.
Nowadays, I think having flaws doesn’t exclude me from being a good person, and this also applies to other people. I view people in a neutral way until I’ve seen enough of their actions, and I surround myself with people who I consider good.
I think we are sometimes too harsh on ourselves - you might have issues with responding to people in time, with flaking on them, with anger or jealousy issues or being mean sometimes, for example. I wouldn’t even put so much weight on these things - in the great scheme of things, it matters very little. What matters is how or if you make up for it and also what the context was. You’re not a bad person for not showing up due to illness, you’re not a bad person for pushing people away due to insecurity, and you’re not a bad person for being particularly rude during times of stress, hunger, trauma, sleeplessness and things like that; just to name a few common things. I think we need to extend a bit of grace to ourselves and not put ourselves into the same corner as warmongers and slaverers for normal human flaws and shortcomings. Most of us just try our best.
Nowadays, I’m confident enough and feeling positive enough to recognize that I do a lot of good and bring a lot to the table. I have a great work ethic, I love to learn, I love to give lengthy advice and help. I enjoy gifting people things, I try to listen and make time, I try to be understanding. I donate to causes I believe in that help humans and animals, I’m a member in orgs I care about that attempt to make the planet better for everyone. I try to cause as little harm and footprint as possible for me. I have a lot of love to give and I speak up when I am able to - to defend poor, sick, disabled and neurodivergent people as well as the rights and livelihoods of LGBTQ+. I enjoy hosting people and cooking special stuff for them. I love to pay for people and cover the bill. I’m clean, organized, and early; I respect your time and announce when I am late. I sacrifice for my coworkers, if needed. I’m very proactive, I reach out, I communicate openly so people know what to expect. Those are just the things off the top of my head.
I’m still a very impatient person, I have issues with social cues, and I have issues with cutting people off too early and too quickly. My directness and monotone voice can come off as offensive. My assessment of people can be unforgiving (but I think I already improved, or else this post wouldn’t exist) and when I’m angry, I can say some horrible stuff and think about violence. I need to have a lot of control over my environment and have strong opinions.
But I don’t think that undoes the above. The older I get, the more I realize that these are things that don’t exist in a vacuum and aren’t randomly unjustified things I engage in and deserve punishment for, but that are connected to the things that are good about me and belong to the human experience; they are fairly common. It doesn’t mean that most people are bad, it means readjusting my own standards and scale of what good and bad is because my previous view was very black and white, extreme, and warped by abuse, perfectionism, and a desire to be pure. Holding ourselves to impossible standards, failing and then settling for the worst is a story of self-punishment already instilled in us by bad parenting and bullies, but we can let go of that later.
I wanna close this one with a sentence I think of often to motivate myself to take steps towards a better life or being a better person, even if it seems hopeless or hard: You’re already dead if you can’t imagine better for yourself.
Published 03 Dec, 2024