my physical experience with autism
A while ago, I reflected on my troubles during my commute with other autistic people I know, and it helped put things into words that are difficult to talk about. It also helped to realize that they experience it too.
My commute via tram is an hour long. A good experience for me is when the sun is rising, the tram is (mostly) empty, I have my noise cancelling headphones in, immersing myself in typing something on my phone, or reading a book; maybe looking outside just basically daydreaming until I arrive at my destination. It enables me to completely detach from my surroundings and my body in a good way and makes it feel like 10 minutes max, no physical discomfort.
All that is usually given in summer, when I can take the tram between 5-6am (unpopular time) and it’s already light enough outside at that time (so no internal lights). That’s very enjoyable and doesn’t drain me, I even like it.
A hellish commute is the opposite: Full of people, lots of noise and no noise cancelling, overwhelming scents, harsh lights from the top. That tends to happen when it’s late (popular commute times) and during winter, when it’s still dark outside for long and the lights inside the tram have to be on.
By default, most tram rides fall somewhere inbetween those two, and it’s very exhausting for me anyway. It’s the reason why I only go into the office twice a week (the immunosuppression, too). Depending on a lot of different factors, including my own sensitivity that day, I start to feel really sick in the tram. It’s my autism.
I get headaches, nausea, my bones hurt, I feel tired and like I suddenly have the flu; I dissociate, my brain feels foggy and heavy, and I’m very impatient and angry. I get the urge to exit the tram constantly and I have to fight that all the time. I keep myself still to not draw attention to myself or to not be weird in public, so I can’t squirm and or wiggle my leg or rock to deal with the situation.
That’s also an area where autism and my chronic illnesses interact: When I feel that flu-ish during overload, my illness spots start to act up too, sometimes temporarily until I’m removed from the situation, and sometimes for weeks as these experiences accumulate, maybe through being outside more and traveling more. It’s stressful for my body.
This doesn’t just happen in public transport, but also some other places like supermarkets, loud cafés and similar spaces. It’s why I don’t go out that much, don’t travel much. I like parks and forests as most other spaces don’t feel welcoming to me at all with how full they are, how loud and smelly they are and everyone’s conversations all at once. I shut down when I have to sit there for a while, feeling like I am watching my life through a screen, unable to muster up the energy to interact, and often unable to filter the conversation directed at me from the background noise.
I usually don’t talk about this because I don’t expect anyone to understand.
What are bosses supposed to think? Oh, your body hurts really bad and you feel sick and exhausted before even arriving at work sometimes because you have to sit in a tram for an hour because of light and noise? Sounds lazy, sounds like you’re making shit up to not have to come in. But really, it’s bad for me and I would not be able to do this 5x a week. I already do everything I can to minimize what bothers me (by noise cancelling, taking very early trams etc.), but I can’t eliminate it entirely, especially on the way back home. I think if I had a shorter commute and/or I could walk or bike over instead, I could handle a lot more office days.
I can push through this if it’s warranted - I come in extra for trainees, for extra meetings, for in-house events, and I am willing to travel for educational purposes (like the data protection law conference this week). But it comes with a toll, a physical discomfort that goes beyond what’s average or considered “normal”. And it adds to my chronic pain.
Now, the second day of lots of commuting and sitting in a conference listening to presentations for hours, my body is hitting a limit and my hands and feet pulsate with pain. Still, I have a board game evening, a birthday party, a veggie food convention and a brunch with in-laws ahead of me this week. Oof!
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Published 30 Oct, 2025