how to properly ask for help
I’ve been noticing more disregard for a more respectful way to ask for help recently, both in private, at work, and between strangers online.
It seems like a growing group of people is comfortable with just barking words at other people to receive answers. No please, no thank you, no further explanations and no attempt to first solve it on their own. I don’t know if this is some sort of effect search engines and LLMs have, but either way: Here’s how you can do better.
the problem
You message your friend, a coworker or a stranger
“My printer won’t print.”
Now you have to wait until they see it and have time to respond. That could be hours or days. Then when they get back to you, they have to establish some context first.
“Okay. Have you tried turning it off and back on again? Are your drivers up to date?”
Now they have to wait for you to answer again. What usually happens now is further slowing down the actual resolution.
“Yes I already tried all that.”
This can go back and forth for ages, just dragging on about what you did or didn’t do, and wastes both your time and the other person’s time. It’s disrespectful to make the other person do all the work of getting the right info out of you, and put together a detailed guide, just to be shot down with “Already did that.”
the solution
So before you reach out to another person, use the tools available to you, depending on the problem.
- Check the manufacturer website, check the manual, or check if the manual is available online; check FAQ’s and similar informational pages.
- Use a search engine.
- Check a wiki, search the problem + ‘reddit’ to find a relevant Reddit thread, check if YouTube has a video on how to solve the problem.
- Ask an LLM.
If you have exhausted all options and tried all the suggestions, then reach out. You might not even need to do that, and solving it on your own this way was faster than just involving someone else from the getgo!
A respectful message would be:
“Hey, I’m having issues with my printer, can you help me? It’s a [model number] and I have consulted [resources] and tried [everything you actually tried], but still no luck. Do you have any other ideas? Thank you.”
This is polite, not commanding or imposing, and it gives the other person all relevant information that makes helping you easier and faster. Instead of dragging every piece of information out of you and each having to wait for a response, they can immediately research the model, and focus on the things you haven’t tried yet, and find other resources.
This is respectful of the other person’s time and efforts, and this way, they are more inclined to help you in the future.
It’s not only about tech support or a defective device; apply it to other situations as well.
- Know what the problem is or what topic you wanna know more about.
- Make sure you use the correct words and names, and you are specific. For example: don’t just ask your coworker to help with “that one database” when you all use multiple.
- Exhaust your options first.
- Give the other person as much information as possible.
the exceptions
It shouldn’t need to be said, but of course, it’s okay to ask “What’s dirtbiking?” when someone brought up they like to do dirtbiking in conversation, even if you could research it yourself. That’s normal bonding and socializing, and you wanna hear it from them and find out more about how they do it or why they like it.
It’s also okay to ask someone what their opinion or stance is on something, or whether they have recommendations for something. Of course you could also find opinions and recommendations online, but this is obviously about valuing this exact person’s opinion and insight, which you will not find online. I’m sure the other person is delighted to be asked and get to tell you something about that topic.
I hope this is a worthwhile reminder; send it to people who do this, hang up a version of this at your workplace, whatever.
It’s okay to need help, it’s okay to not know something, but you need to go about this the right way and remember some etiquette. Otherwise, people will think you are just too lazy, difficult to work with, and weaponize your incompetence just so someone else does it for you.
edit
Tomas has a similar and very good blog post about this as well!
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